Email Jokes

Everyone gets these, they fill up your inbox until you're digging your way out with a spoon. They are jokes that either make us laugh or hang our heads in shame. So we pass them on, sometimes they are so funny you can't stop thinging about them, and you wish to high heavens to share them with someone. So why don't you.

This is the thread to post all those pesky little jokes that our beloved friends send us, so if they made you laugh and you want to pass the laugh along, do it here.

[Please keep to a 12+ level thank you]

So here's one that I got today from my dear friend...

What Not To Say To The Police

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

“The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.... “

Hehe, this is a very good one :D

What not to say to the fuzz...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

There once was a bear& a rabbit that hated each other. One day they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each 3 wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the U.S. and all the rest were female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go w/ that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

Then It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

lol sorry I felt like sharing that XD It made me laugh also:

Things to do in the Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!

*wipes a tear* omg, Amby those were hilarious! *runs to re-read* here's one I got a while ago, it's kinda like Amby's only instead of an Elevator it's a Movie Theater!

Things to do in a Movie Theater

1. Provide a blow-by-blow commentary.

2. Bring a ladder, stand in the back on it, and make shadow puppets in front of the projector.

3. Buy tons of food, sit in the middle of an empty row and line your food up in chairs on each side of you.

4. Bring a lawn chair and sit in the aisle.

5. Put your cellphone on it's loudest volume and pick a ringer, previewing each one.

6. Bring an iPod or MP3 player, turn the sound all the way up, unplug the headphones, and play the loudest song you can find. This way, only the people close to you can hear it, it will drive them nuts trying to find where the sound is coming from.

7. Take off your shoes and put your feet up on the seat in front of you. Make sure someone tall is in it.

8. Sit backwards at in your seat staring at the person behind you.

9. When an important moment comes up in the movie, laugh or cough loudly so no one can hear it.

10. Stick gum on the seats.

11. During the previews, try to get everyone to sing the Barney song with you.

12. Mumble under your breath, gasp and look at someone and mutter "Yep, I got it, that one with the *enter what color shirt they're wearing* shirt. Got it boss." Make sure they see you.

13. Look for the escape elevator and become histarical when you can't find it.

14. Stand by the doors when people come in asking for identification.

15. Ask "Are you on the list?" while holding a clipboard instead if you'd like.

16. Dress up as a character in the movie and say all their lines as they same them. Claim you were that actor/actress (even funnier if you're of the opposite gender).

17. Go in your slippers and PJ's. Bring a pillow and lie down along the seats, streatching out as far as you can.

18. Poke the person in front of you in the head. When they turn around, point to someone far away from them.

19. Spill your soda on the floor "accidentaly". Make sure you 1) Are at the top so it drips all the way to the bottom, 2) have ice in it so the cubes role too, and 3) have your legs crossed up on your chair so it doesn't get on your feet.

20. Hang upside down from your seat rolling things down the floor.

21. Bring a surgeon's mask and gloves. Wear them and when people look at you say "QUIT PASSING ME YOUR GERMS!"

22. Bring a friend and sit on their shoulders. Works better if the people behind you aren't tall.

23. Put "Out of Order, Use Other Emergancy Exit" banners over the emergancy exits.

24. Stop random people while they're about to sit down and say "I wouldn't sit there if I were you."

25. During a love scene in the movie, scream "NOT IN PUBLIC, HERMAN!" and throw something at the person next to you. Continue by saying "I told you, wait ‘til we get home!"

26. Cheer and shout during the fight scenes.

27. Play duck duck goose. This one speaks for itself.

I get these messages from my friends and it makes my inbox fill with things:



You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !





1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?


Unique Up On It.





2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?


Tame Way, Unique Up On It.





3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?


They Take The Psycho Path





4. How Do You Get Holy Water?


You Boil The Hell Out Of It.





5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?


Dam!





6 What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?


Polaroid's





7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?


A Stick





8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?


Nacho Cheese.





9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?


Subordinate Clauses.





10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?


Quattro Sinko..





11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?


Spoiled Milk.





12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?


Frostbite.





13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?


A Nervous Wreck.





14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?


Anyone Can Roast Beef.





15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?


Right Where You Left Him.





16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?


Because They Have Big Fingers.





17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?


Because It Scares The Dog





18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?


Sanka.





19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?


The Location Of The Dirt Bag.





20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?


Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.





21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?


A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!


A Bad Skydiver Go es Dang! Whack.





22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?


Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer





Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

I got sent this one the other day, it's quite funny. It's a little girl in Ireland who wants to destroy her school. It's audio, just click the link to listen:

http://www.fileden.com/files/1285/Little_Becky.mp3

"They are giving me extra homework on a Friday night and everything..."

"...blow it up would be better yeah..."

OMG that's so funny :D She sound so serious about it xD ...she's not serious, right? O.O

...i love little Becky xD

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious
face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .
repost this to make someone smile and laugh. Its called
therapy

Just got this from my good friend thought I'd put it here


Fun Facts
I have received these facts a number of times over the years. Many came most recently in an email from a friend, Gracie Tillman.

I'll bet there are at least a few things here you didn't know. And while I don't know if every item is indeed accurate or true, I also think there are a lot of facts that would be fun to share and discuss with kids!

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Now get this: The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats.The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go up to one thousand before you found the letter "A"!

Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.

The only food that doesn't spoil is honey.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Believe it or not, you can read this:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of th huan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

She has no eyebrows (as was the fashion.) The real name of the painting is not "Mona Lisa." It is "La Giaconda." The painting measures less than 2 feet by 2 feet. X-rays show that there are three completely different versions of the same subject, all painted by Leonardo, under the final portrait.

"Tug of War" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

During the time that the atomic bomb was being hatched by the United States at Alamogordo, New Mexico, applicants for routine jobs like janitor were disqualified if they could read. Illiteracy; in other words, was a job requirement. The reason: The authorities didn't want their trash or other papers read. (Source: Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts.

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.



YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


Please note: This material was forwarded to me with no attribution to the actual author. If you know who created this list, please let me know so I can attribute it properly. Thanks.

Here's one I got earlier. I thought it was quite funny.

Effects of global warning...

You know you live in 2007 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".


lol love this one

I got sent this one today, entitled "Peter Kay..." For those who don't know, Peter Kay is a British comedian.

PETER KAY ONE LINERS

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.


PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly..

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.