Harry Potter in Five Minutes

This challenge is asking you to write a short, summarised version of one of the HP books.

What do I mean by "Harry Potter in Five Minutes"? Basically, what you need to do is write a short 'script' of how the book could go if it had to be condensed down into five minutes. Try and make it as funny and satirical as possible.

Choose one of the seven books.

Points:
1st Place: 100 housepoints
2nd Place: 80 housepoints
3rd Place: 60 housepoints
All who enter: 30 housepoints

Any questions, PM me!

Harry Potter and the Comatose Fantasy

There was once a small, scrawny boy who was so spoiled that he completely ignored his loving aunt and uncle and chose to make a stand and live in a closet in the hope of being able to sue them when he got older. If this doesn't clue you in on what a complete loser he is, read on.

His aunt and uncle--who had kindly taken him in after his parents died in a car crash--would occasionally ask him to do some light chores, and he resented them for this! He also had the most darling, handsome cousin who was very honest and told him the truth about what happens in toilets. Because let's face it, a small, scrawny boy is not going to get anywhere useful in life. Best for him to know the facts early on, eh?

Anyway, this boy, with a stupidly common name like Harold or Howard or whatever, obviously began hanging out with a bad crowd. His aunt and uncle tried their best to get him some help, but the boy just called in the worst of the lot, a horribly malformed man--who, it pains me to say, had long hair AND beard AND mustache AND no decent fashion sense AND seemed to be a complete idiot about the simplest things--to wreck their property and scare the heck out of them.

Am I running too high on the word count? Hmm? What was that? There actually IS no word count, last time you checked? AHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, most readers seem to sympathize with the horrid boy. I can't imagine why. He had delusions, damaged property, believed he could talk to snakes, and ran off without a word to his aunt and uncle.

The rest of the book is full of heavy implications, mostly about sparks, wands, flying, transfiguration and dragons. A little baby dragon, to be precise. However the book stays light and airy despite some ugly dude in a turban cropping up and kids seem to lap it up. Though if you ask me, the old man with that hippie long white hair and beard REALLY creeps me out.

But no one ever asks me.

The book is full of a LOT of creepy hippies, come to think of it. But it doesn't even faze me after reading all about flourished wands and transporting a dragon in a crate in the middle of the night.

If you want to read a really good book, read Lord of the Rings. Ah. Now THERE was some good writing. The mysteries of Howard and his dragon are just dull, once you get over the disappointment of the implications being too heavy to understand easily unless you too have a baby dragon tucked away somewhere, and it just turns into a pointless children's book.

Much fun as it is to repeat myself again and again about the vulgarities of this book (which religious groups across the world have rightfully condemned, but for the wrong reasons) I must get on with it. Sigh.

Long and short of it is, Harry goes off to some castle and gets himself a best friend and girlfriend. He fights a troll, turns into a jock, and all the cool kids in Gryffindor (who are really the losers, it's the Slytherins that are really the elite) love him.

There's some more stuff to assure you that he really is having a schizo fit or dream, something about him seeing his parents--dead! they're dead!--in a mirror. There's some intensely boring rubbish about some rock, but I won't get into all that. Read the book yourself if you're into that kinda thing.

In the end, he experiences deja vu and wakes up a couple weeks later in the broom closet, only to find out his relatives thought he had died and to celebrate, they hustled off to Majorca.

Rowling, the author of this abominably pathetic book, was forced to change the ending to something more rosy after her editor insisted that it would make kids cry.

I don't know what happens in the next book, and I don't really care.

I DO want to know more about Filch, though (seriously, is that guy HOT or what?) and I'll read the next few books if only to find out more about him.

...

OH! I did forget to say that there was some HUGE big deal about this tattoo or something that he had on his forehead. (And hello, HOW dopy do you have to be to put a tattoo on your forehead?)

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XD I tell you, I haven't a clue what I've just dashed off there.

harry potter chamber of secrets in five minutes

Once apon a time there was a boy named harry potter he lived with his mean uncle vermont and his mean anut petuina and cosin dudly dursly who once had a wierd looking pig tail. The thing is harry was a wizard. One day he got yelled at and locked in with iron bars on his window for ruining his uncles chance for a promotion. Then his pal ron came and and broke harry out saying hurry up harry before your uncle and anut wake up. then they went to rons house got yelled at by rons mom missed the train to hogwarts flew a car to hogwarts into the womping willow found blood on the walls. Rons sister went missing harry found ginny in the chamber of secrets beat tom riddle and the basalisk and saved the day. then ron threw pie in everyone at hogwarts face and moning murtle played in the toilet and of corse fred and geroge lit a very stinky stink bomb in dumodores office.
the end

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in Five Minuets


Once upon a time - go get the books ~ Its story time!
Harry is running from the evil Lord Voldypants. He gets to rons house, and there a few days later, the evil guy shows up. They start running. And, um.. Harry is searching for horcruxes and stuff.... Yeah, basically this whole book is spent with Harry on the run. And evil Umbridge is mentioned. And, um... Harry breaks into the Ministry. He steals a Horcrux *whoo whoo* And Kreacher becomes Harrys friend. They (harry ron and hermonie) get trapped at malfoy mansion. Bella Kills DOBBY!!!!!! Mad-eye is dead, and we are all alone in this world!
Well, Voldie has taken over the world, and um.. is doiingevilcunningstuff. Harry finally get all his horcruxes finished off, and kills voldie.
Before that, Harry got *allmost* killed.
We see dumbledore again.
And all the Harry/Ginny sippers are happy forever!
And.. uhu Hey, if you dont like it, go read the darn book!

Harry Potter and the Order fo the phoenix in 5 minutes.

Right well, long story short, Harry is an orphan some bloke called volidelocks came and killed his 'rents years ago blew up his house yada yada yada fast frward to 1995/96.

Harry rescued from his awful aunt and uncle and diddykins, taken to Sirius's place by the Order of the phoenix (not the book you fools, Dumbleys drinkig buddies)

sirius is harrys god daddy and a very cute one to put! Kreacher is a house elf, rather naughty one as well, throw in Snapeypoo, some Death Nibblers, Harry rebelling a bit, a bti of mind seeing thingy majiggy, oh a death, always end on a death!

Big show down, voldie vs dumbley yada yada yada the ministry are morons, Harry breaks stuff, shouts a bit, go home to dursleys. end of book.

Harry Potter and the Royal Traitor

To Harry's (and the Dursley's) surprise Dumbles comes to get him as promised.

Dumbles tells Harry that he got more money from his late god-daddy and a house. Kreacher throws a fit, but obeys Harry's order to shut up, proving Sirius didn't mess up. He also lectured the Dursley's.

They left and went to Sluggy's hideout. Gave him a job then it was off to the Burrow. Phlegm made things funny. The trio got their Owls. Hermoine panicked, but it was all good.

They went shopping, followed Malfoy, and Harry developed an obsession for Dracy-Wacy. Harry/Draco shippers rejoiced.

They went to school. Harry gets to take potions with Sluggy and finds an old book. The former owner was a bit off his hinge.

Harry and Dumbles did some stuff in his office, learning about Lord Moldy-shorts' early years.

Ron snogged Lav-Lav. Hermy got jealous and attacked him with birds.

Ginny snogged Dean. Harry got jealous.

Harry accidently tried to kill Draco; Snapey-poo saved him with song and gave Harry detention. Ginny played seeker and won the tournament without Harry. This gave them an excuse to snog.

Harry took a trip with Dumbles. Dumbles drank a potion that scared him a lot. He still saved them both from the zombie army in the lake. When they got back Death Eaters had broken into Hogwarts. Draco was a sissy and couldn't do his job. Snapey-poo killed Dumbles.

Fight-fight. Order kicks booty. Snape, now the Royal Traitor runs away. He kicks Harry's butt and says, "Hey, you're dumb! I'm the half blood prince! Ha ha!"

There's a funeral, Harry nobally dumps Ginny after a matter of weeks. Hermy and Ron finally pull their heads out of their rears and everyone goes home.

The end.

Harry Potter and the Only way to be immortal without a vampire bite

Once upon a time there was a itsy bitsy baby who's loving preppy parents were destroyed by the goth king, Lord Voldie of the pansies. Lord voldie of the pansies lost his duel with the little baby and went into hiding from shame.

Little Harry had to go live with his fat uncle and dieting aunt and their whale sized son. They were mean, so Harry didn't like them. Moving on. Harry realizes he is a wizard because a giant dude barges in and gives his whalish cousin a piggy tail. He is given a stick and goes to a school that is not an asylum.

His Harryness now begins to grow an ego becuase he is famous among the other stick carrying peoples. Harry is involved in fighting a troll and gets his wand stuck up its nose. A turban headed dude is the enemy and Harry finds out that the other side of his head is... THE KING OF THE PANSIES! The king of the pansies wants to be immortal but can't find a vampire that wants to bite him. Instead he'll settle for a goldish stone that will make him get his body back so he won't have to were a gross cloth that never gets washed over his face anymore. So, Harry beats up the king of the pansies and returns to find out that the white-bearded hippie ate earwax.

The end

*claps for Skie*

Nice....

Ok,
Tis is the story bout a bot named 'arry (so the big old giant says). He lived with his mummy and daddy who where fried by a guy with an ugly head. He went to live with his mean ant and uncle, who never treated him fair. But along came a letter from a Wizarding school, beckoning Harry there. He went on a train to the magical school, and met two awesome friends. He also made an enemy, very bad vibes Draco sends. He and his friends are now Griffindors, who are so just and pure. He finds out that killing Voldomort is the wizarding world only cure. So here is where my story ends, I am so sad to say. But I could tell it over agian, another place, another way.

This challenge is now closed. Well done to everyone who participated! Your points are below.

1st Place: Caroru (100 points)
2nd Place: streams of silver (80 points)
3rd Place: Elana (60 points)

Everyone else earns 30 housepoints:
cle spire
kathrineee_anne
dragonweaver
Etta
hppamela
stephy
Vulcan/Blackjack
Snape_Luffer
polly
LOONYKim