Deepest Darkest Secrets

lol wow lets see...

I'm terribly frightened of rejection, spiders, and having my heart broken

I also still sleep with my stuffed cat

Sometimes I feel terribly over shadowed by my friends and get insanely jealous of them

And thats all my deep dark secrets I shall share for now XD

I'm a very jealous person and I easily get offended

I'm scared of death because I'm scared of leaving those I love behind, and of being forgotten

I have a very very sick mind XD

I am afraid of being alone forever

I am afraid of being stuck in a void for eternity

I am afraid, not of the dark, but things I see in it [dont ask]

there a few other deep dark secrets i keep that I wont mention though sorry

Although I give the impression of being outgoing and confident, I am quite an insecure person inside.

I am terrified of rejection and tend to push friends to arms length in case of being hurt

I cover my sadness/pain with laughter, aka hyperness

I'm very insecure.

I compare myself to others quite often

Nothing makes me feel more awkward than people talking about their feelings openly

I'm also horrified of being forgotten and not making a difference

My best friends tend to be the people I wish I was the most

And although I act like I don't care it cuts me deep when people insult me and when my family ignores me.

i sometimes feel scared of everything, i get depressed, i cry, i wallow in self pity, spend days on end unable to get out bed and feel like i have nowhere to turn to.

On top of that im afraid of Doctor's appointments, Spiders, Needles, although i lobe having blood taken and watching as it flows into the vile.

(same thing here with the hospitals ettie, although i love spiders and needles xD)

I'm scared of sleeping (more like the nightmares i have but whatever..)

I was a mistake

My best friend died when i was 5 and i was there with him

I once stole a baloon from Wal-Mart.

I'm afraid that I'll never fufill any of my dreams. I'm afraid that I won't be known for anything.

I put on a smile everyday hoping it will get better and forcing myself to be happy. I feel hurt, lost, and confused. I don't know where i belong or what happened to my oh so wonderful life.

I'm afraid of someone breaking into my house or the house getting burned down or someone taking someone from my family. I never got to know my uncle because his wife shot and killed him. I'm afraid there are so many other wonderful people I'll never get to know.

I feel like I'm falling out of grace. I feel like I'm all over the place. I feel like no one really cares about me and what i need and want these days.

I'm not scared of death its self. Like dumbledore always said "It's the next great adventure"

I love my dad so much and I want to get to know him but he scares me

I grew up thinking it was okay to have sex at 14, and that drugs, alcohol and gangs were nothing to be scared of and instead embraced

I worry about not being good enough for my friends to hang around me

I'm actually very reserved and hide my feelings, because I'm scared of being mocked and ridiculed for how I feel

I have a strong sense of pride

I'm more vulgar and perverted away from HE

I have a slight temper- ok quite a quick one

I hate my ego being damaged- yes I actually have one, shocking huh?

I do cry

I do have feelings which I don't share

I don't let too many people get too close to me

I get jealous

I am blunt and don't usually try to sugarcoat what I am saying.

I am not very trusting of people

I have a need to always prove myself

I used to be a school bully

I used to do a lot of bad things

I don't like spiders but I finally got over my fear of them...almost

I use manipulation to get what I want- usually in the real world but not so much online.

I have this weird fixation with having a 'female' side cuz I sometimes wonder what it's like being the opposite gender.

I have had issues with staying fully committed in relationships

I can be vengeful

I wallow in self pity though hate to really do it in public. It's more of a private thing.

I get my anger out normally by destructive methods like hitting walls and stuff

I get depressed though always hide it with arrogance

When people insult me I can take it though it doesn't mean that the insults go away or the feelings I get from them.

Well I guess one of mine isn't such a secret anymore - I am terrified of snakes, which is ironic me being a slytherin head of house!

Another deep secret that only Sharon really knew about until now is that I am terrified of getting heart disease or having a heart attack or angina. My dad had all of these and it is hereditry. He died when he was only 46 so it is a huge fear of mine

Another fear is not being able to have children with sharon. It is more of a fear for her as I hate seeing her tear apart (and she probably wont like me for sayng it) and it cuts me deep.

I hate to be under the control of ppl

I like to be the boss

I always feel like i should be doing something better

No matter what i do i always need to do even better

I push myself really hard to achieve things

Sometimes i do give up

I am quick to give my opinion

I am very quick to yell and blame things on innocent ppl

I try to be strong and not cry

Crying makes me feel like i loose

I sulk around all the time

I actually don't like to eat sweets all the time

I wish that people would notice my writing and like it.

anyways i have trouble with this one...

i guess it would be that i care what people think cuz i tell and act like i dont so people feel they can say anything and i wont get hurt but i do

I'm a people pleaser, even if i deny it (yes, i want everyone to like me)

I get hurt when i hurt someone else

No one ever hears me cry

From age 8 to 13, i suffered of anorexia

The reason i hate girl movies (with those horrible happy endings) is because i know that it will never happen in real life

I'm scared of being happy since i think i don't deserve it

I have ADHD

On to happier things...

...i sleep on my stomach, my head deep in my pillow xD

...i snore very - very - loudly!!!

...i can't even gossip correctly, cuz i have a horrible memory :D

...i refuse to react at the use of my real name (which is why everyone calls me Caro irl :D)

Well... this is probably a surprise, but I have deep anger management issues..

I only have one or two best friends, but I always feel like I don't fit in and that nobody really likes me.

I have a very... um, dirty mind XD

I hate myself for seeing the best in bad people and trusting them too much, and for seeing the worst in awesome people and pushing them away.

And... that's all I can think of right now

Ok here it goes...

I lie I lie to my friends and family about where I have been and what I have been doing
its always the same "No I havent been doing that I have been "a place with someone" ".

I hate looking in the mirror I hate what looks back at me.

I hate being round amber and jade althougth they are my best friends I feel like they are prettier, skinner better than me and I hate that feeling.

I soo scared of not doing anything and just being stuck in a dingy flat with 6 kids no money and none to love me, thats why I never want kids or try to break up friendships because the life I lead I might end up there and I no i should stop but I can't.

Im scared of never being able to trust anyone again.

I acted happy ,hyper and up for anything but in side Its just a big mess and thats the only way to cover it up.

Im scared of being hated by centre people

I am a horrible person I want all these friends and not to break up friendships but I am horrible I talk about them all expect for like 2 I plot against them all I plan peoples down falls I think about how much I hate them and then when something goes wrong I think about how much I love them and then I feel soo bad for thinking and doing them horrible things but I still can't stop myself from doing them.

I want to break out of my parents way of life I don't want to be like them I want to tell them all the stuff I do but I can't because they would kill me and I just don't want to be what they want me to be.

Im scared of failing my GCSE'S

Im scared of getting old I don't want to get old that why I do what I do. It will kill me faster I won't get old I won't have to live with the past in my mind and I won't have to worry about it all.

I like killing myself faster by doing the things I do, when I take a pull of a cigaratte knowing that it is killing me gives me great satisfaction.

Im sick in the head and i know need help but I refuse to get it no matter what.

I feel like putting people down can get me to feel better about myself.

I always push the boundries people set, wihout thinking first.

i tend to dramatize everything and then mess up on one smaller detail

I lie and then forget about that lie and end up getting called on it

I act like what people say about my size doesn't matter to me, but it does

I act like i never crack under pressure but i do.

I feel like I'm fat all the time and joke about eating disorders with my friends. They don't think I'm serious, but a lot of the time, I think about starting something like that

I always have this hidden fear of getting hurt in a relationship. It's really a pain too because I either get a little too forward explaining my feelings or I pull back suddenly. I have been trying to work on this. When I love someone, I give myself to them completely, my heart is in their hands. Sometimes this is a great thing but it makes it hurt all the more when and if the relationship ends, so this is why I sometimes pull back.

I really hate bees, wasps, hornets...ect...and kind of flying stinging insect. I will go inside the house if I see several of them in the area that I am in.

When I am geeling either very happy or very sad, I sing like crazy. Not sure why this is. It's just that singing is a passion for me and it's a good outlet to express my feelings.

I also take out anger and aggression by cleaning. I will turn music on and turn it up loud. I will clean like crazy getting rough with srubbing walls, windows ect... I will clean something that doesn't need it just so I can release this frustration.

I really hate arguing and fighting with friends. I tend to get a bit over emotional and cry easily when I am in this state. I try not to but usually can't control it.

I like to think of myself as this strong person but I do keep things bottled up for too long. When they finally do come out, I am a bit harhser and more emotional than I intended to be.

If you befriend me, I am your friend always and will do my best to never betray this friendship. I will stand by you and help you through anything you need. But once trust is broken with me I have a very hard time letting things go back to the way they were. To me honesty is very important and it is hard to trust again.

I am a very affectionate person and this is sometimes one of my downfalls. I just love the feeling of being loved, whether it be by a friend or person I am with. I have a craving for attention to be given back to me as well. I guess this is becasue I see myself as a hopeless romantic and I love happy endings.

I am not happy with my physical appearance at all. Some have told me that I am pretty but I have a really hard time believing they actually mean it.

I am a little too hooked on this site...XD...but who here isn't!!

Everytime i've done something stupid - that i'm actually aware of - i sit in the middle of the room on the floor and think through every little detail and then hit myself for being a dork - then i can move on :D

I get mad at myself when someone makes me speechless.

I'm seriously addicted to energy drinks and Coca Cola :D

I'm scared of mirrors (more of the person who will stare back at me xD)

Eventhough i don't like hip hop and rap, i like to dance to it.

I can never shut up in time xD

I absolutely love needles!!!!

I don't like it when doctors touch me

When i'm forced to go shop (clothes and stuff) i need someone with me so that i can hold that person's hand :D (i hate shopping...)

I always fall for the guys i know i can't get.

More secrets about me :D

I seem to attract psycho girls

I seem to like mushy movies more lately

I am one of those romantic-wannabe- guys who would like to treat his lady like a queen

I have moments where I feel sad over the tiniest little things

I get emotionally burned easier and faster than I can heal from it

I have read a few of the Babysitter Club Books that Kitty has and can't stop!

I get bored at church and have been kicked out for snoring

I got expelled from public school so I go to private school now

I snore and laugh at the same time

I've seen a ghost- a few actually

I stole a car once

I've nearly died from alcohol poisoning and I'm more careful now about drinking

I've had cancerous growths removed from my knee twice

I got a girl pregnant.

I am scared but excited of being a daddy.

There will be more later....

Theres are just weird things that I do:
I love wacthing childrens tv shows

I love running threw london in the pouring rain by myself (crazy yes i am )

I love getting people lost and acting like i didnt

I love to lay in the middle of a field one a summers day by myself well the closest thing i have to a field where I live is the common so i love laying there lol

Hmmm thats about it really i know there are more i cant remember them or i am choosing not to remember them

My uncle was killed before i was born. Sometimes i think he is talking to me...

I've had cancer

I sleep with a teddy bear

I tend to be brutally honest when I want to be

I think Church is dull, but I love to sing the songs (is that bad? lmao)

I cannot read a map if my life depended on it

I've been suspended, expelled and gotten arrested

I usedto smoke...I drink occasionally though

I'm afraid of rejection from other people

I'm hooked on H.E

I'm re obsessed with Sailor Moon ( :D )

I love dancing, walking or running in the rain

I read comic books

If I laugh hard enough...I snort (lmao!)

I swear I've seen the ghost if my deceased grandfather

I'm a hypocrite who often feels bad for herself and then tells people that they can't.

Most of the things I tell other people to do are things I can't do myself.

I'm scared of not being good enough, so I set unrealistic goals and get disappointed when I fail.

I'm a bit two-faced and often feel as if I'm living in two different worlds.

I try to make everyone like me, because I can't stand to be hated.

I break down almost monthly, whether it be publicly or privately.

When I seem hyper its usually because I have something on my mind I'm trying to hide. I'm actually a very mellow person.

I can't bring myself to even write in my diary my true emotions.

My best friends don't know as much about me as they think they do.

And it kills me when I dissapoint someone, so I often do everything that I don't want to just so they won't be dissapointed.

I have bad temper and when I get mad I tend to go cut myself 'cause that's the only thing that helpes, besides hitting people and stuff, which I do if it's bad enough.

My boyfriend once beat me up and I stayed with him.

Then he did it again.

I've had eating disorders since I was like, eleven. Hehe, I'm such a whimp.

I tend to break people's hearts and feel good about it, but after an hour I feel so guilty I can't stand myself.



Also, I'm terrified of feet. They're awful and scary and they look pathetic.

^^ I am so with you on the feet. I dispise feet. They're so ugly and .... ewww.

I suffer from clinical depression and have a history of self-harm.

I tend to feel like a failure in everything I possibly do.

I tend to backstab quite a lot, which I should really stop doing. Infact the only people I don't are my three best friends.

I have such a balloon phobia. I can't have them near me, even if they're down. Boo on balloons !

I have a very low self esteem after being picked on at primary school and ending up believing what the other kids said was true

I tried cutting once but was too coward and scared of pain to actually go along with it

I feel threatened by everybody and it takes lots of time before I can trust someone

I give advices which myself am not able to follow

I have loads of complex, like I am pretty much disgusted by my own body

I believe in lots of things, and the less believable they are, the more I'll believe them (like horror movies for example, I'm more freaked out by the tooth fairy figure in Darkness Falls than by the psychopath in I know what you did last summer)

I get depressed to tears at least once a week

I cant love cuz i am scared of being hurt
I say i dont care because all i do is care
I complain cuz i have nothing better to do XD
My best friends know to much but not enough to fully unnderstand
I have to many memories to fall asleep with dry eyes
i hate being pityed cuz i feel like crap
I dont say i am sad to see who cares enought to pry me open
I wear all black because i dont want colors to give away who i am
I hate cheerleaders because i wish i caould be as happy as they seem

*hugs Elana* I've done the exact same thing before! I liked someone who actually liked me back. But at the same time my friend told me she likes him so when we were hanging out together on a semi date, I told him to give my friend a chance...and so he did and they went out for a year while I stood on the side and watched...oh bother it all XD

Well I'm actually afraid of being regarded as a failure and not good enough to my parents. At least compared to all my older sisters. *sigh* Not pretty as them, nor smart, talkative, polite, outgoing, and have no idea what to do with my life as two are in medical school and one is already a successful pharmacist.

I hate confrontations of all kind and would either hide from them or joke around which is basically another form of hiding from them.

I'm kinda like you, Elana. Everyone's put in front of me. ahem *clears thrat* Ex: There's this guy that I've like for the past 2 1/2 years. I (unlike a bunch of my friends) am one of those ppl where if you have a crush on someone, you keep it for a really long time. Once I liked this guy for 3 years until I moved away... but that's beside the point. ANyw, back to the subject, I liked this guy and last year he went out with a friend of mine. We had all talked abt it and she had said how she wouldn't date him if I didn't want her too. Of course, being the understanding persn I am, I said something like "no of course not! Go ahead... I'm really happy for you two". THey went out for around 3-4 months. I was jealous, but when they broke up, I was honestly sad. Then a month later, he went out with one of my best friends, but only for like 4 days lol. Once again, I was all understanding and stuff. This school year, we corresponded by e-mail, and he was all"yeah, I won't go out w/anyone else until high school so I can get experience blah blah blah." He promised. But then, he dated ANOTHER of my best friends, and they went out for 3-4 weeks until she dumped him 'cause she really only thought abt him as a friend. She had been pushed to say yes when he asked her out by a friend of hers. During their relationship, I was all feeling happy for them and I was sad when they broke up 'cause I knew that he really liked (still?) her.
So sometimes I'll ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I all placid and understanding and actually HAPPY for them when I should be all jealous and stuff? WElll, actually, I am/was jealous... I just don't show it.
Also, I have really low self-esteem around the weight issue. I think in all actuality, I'm thin compared to other people, but I tdon't think that way. I still count calories and all that junk... je suis stupide... but it can't be helped. yeah yeah yeah... gotta go to diner now.

It's strange how I'm pouring my heart out to the computer and all you people whom I've never met, when I can't to anyone else. I'm really locked up w/emotions if I'm talking to someone I don't know well. I don't trust easily at all, because more often then not, I get either betrayed or heartbroken... to all you ppl who haven't experienced that, you should feel really happy. Gotta go eat!

Feeling like that is... not nice, is one way to put it. I've always put my friends first - always. There's no question over who or what has happened, friends - and family - come first, so I can shove aside any other feeling I have. I'm a pushover, and I hate it sometimes - I bow to my friend's whim most of the time, but I enjoy what I do, until she bites my head off for doing something wrong.

Helping people is my top priority. Some of you, I guess, will know this. So I'm not the best at it, but it helps. Sometimes. Helps me too; I wonder why I don't follow my own advice. I mean, if I ever could. You people with guy problems, I should tell you to never come to me for help, but you do anyway, and I give you some advice, and I can't ever apply that to my own life because, well, a) I don't HAVE any guy problems, and b) I never do listen to my own advice.

Which isn't good. I don't think.

There was a time where I just closed up... April last year, when we'd really got the site up and going. I was talking to you all so much, I guess I never really made time for my real life friends. I could never tell them anything anymore. Not like I told some of you guys about some things. I could never talk to them like I talk to you, never joke around. I feel sometimes I still can't.

I've felt depressed, yes. You would be too if you didn't know where your life was going, you were more nervous about the wedding of someone you'd never met before than you were for your GCSEs (national externals that really influence university applications), you spent all your time talking to people you'd known for barely half a year... your brother's in one of the top universities in the country, you feel like you're gonna fail everything...

Still feel that way, actually, thinking about it.

Anyway, it's nothing compared to what some of you have said. I feel right now that this doesn't deserve to be posted here, that this isn't worthy, not the right standard of secret that could be revealed to the world. I'm a perfectionist, always will be. But I say I'll do things right, and end up doing them either completely wrong or to about a fifth of the standard I could have done it at.

And the thing is, I don't actually care. I'd tip my hat to the world and say 'screw you' if I could. If I had a hat I could tip.* But I can't, and most probably won't, because if I'm here, I might as well make the best of it, push on and do things that are possible for me to do, not because I want to, but because I can.

Now this post is extremely long and I could just delete it, wasting the past 20 minutes of my life, in which I really should have been asleep in. But I won't. Staying positive is living life. I'll have my ups and downs. But hey. Nout I can do 'bout it. *huggles everyone* I know maybe you never thought I'm still a normal person - lol - but I can rant when I want to, eh?



*Eddie (Willy Russell), Blood Brothers reference. I've heard it too many times for me to forget, and it seemed right for the moment.

lol Lisa. I think your post deserves to be posted, cause hey? It's a deep dark secret right? Yes of course I'm right, I'm asian.

And that's what I'd like to talk about in this post. (when I said the sentence in my last paragraph, I didn't mean to be racist or anything. It's just an example of something... you'll see). I'm Chinese and a bunch of my friends are asian and smart. and that leads to a big problem as I see it. For some reason, at my school, if you're asian, than you're automatically dubbed "smart". Even when americans/europeans/africans/other non-asian ppl are much smarter than you. If someone needs help on like math or english hw or something, they always ask who? First: their friends. Second: the asians. And I just don't think that fair; we don't ask to be asian, so why do I feel guilty about kinda usurping ppl who deseerve the title "smart" far more than I do? I'm not wallowing in self-debasing, because I know that I'm smart. But I'm don't think I'm above average or anything. So why do ppl act as if I am? So that's my deep dark secret (or one of them). I get annoyed when asians are automatically assumed to be smart. And that praobably makes asians who don't get straight A's-B's feel bad. And basically, I guess my point is, that that just isn't fair. How did we get this stereotype in the first place? Anyone know?

Oh good days, I know EXACTLY how you feel... although saying that, yes, Asian people ARE always right :D (Lol, just joking XD)

I mean, there is no doubt about it, most Asians are cleverer than others, and unfortunately I'm not just saying that. They didn't choose to be like that. China's method of study is FAR beyond any other country's I've witnessed. In school by 7am, studying until 12pm, taking a break - most probably to do more study - until 2pm, having some free time until 5pm, go BACK to school and have study hall - in which to study and do homework until 9pm, and THEN you can go home - most probably to study again. Because that's the only thing these people know. They study. They live and breathe it.

And this immigrated generation of nonChina-born teenagers are getting the brunt of it. "When I was at school...", "Look at Uncle Whatsisface, HE'S done this and this...", "Can't you be a bit more like your older brother?"

I have my advantages and disadvantages, having the brain-workings of a Chinese and a British person. But I hate it, sometimes. I can't be both all the time. It's like having two personalities. One for your parents, their traditions, their expectations, and one for your school, your friends, your teachers. It's not the same.

I guess it makes you see life on a broader scale... but sometimes you wish... "I just wanna be me..."

*hugs Swifty*

I can definitely see the reasoning in that. It's always "Well, back in the day..." or "Well nowaday did you hear about the new girl who just moved here and got into medical school right away?" No I didn't and don't want to be compared to her XD

And people do ask me "You know everything right? I mean you're asian...." Nope I don't know it at all....I mean sometimes I do but don't assume that I do... Vietnamese are the same way..

I wish I was asian because then I may be smart XD

I have an extreme low self confidence, possibly due to the fact that I was born with a curved spine which resulted in numerous stays in hospitals, operations and wearing a back brace for years, and that is something which your peers seem to love taking the fun out of. Luckily I had a few great friends, though all my confidence was knocked. I also missed quite a bit of school around that time due to both my spine and breathing difficulties and by the time I was in my teens I became desperatly depressed and withdrawn (and I still cant believe that I am letting this all out!).

*huggles Lana* Let it out, Lana! We're all your friends here!

About the azn thing, my mom is realy really really smart in math... I swear, she's like a genius. I don't wanna brag... but there are some facts that make her uber-uber smart. Far smarter than I'll ever be. She got her ph.d. in accounting in 4 years where normally it takes five, she's got 3 publications/accepted papers, and I just think: how am I supposed to live up to that? When I get B's on math tests, she always seems so disappointed, and when Idon't understand something, she sometimes gets annoyed; like why-the-heck-does-my-daughter-not-understand-this-? annoyed. But back when she lived in China, she studied studied studied just like Lisa said; she checked out math textbooks for 'fun" and learned all she could about it. But I'm not like that... sometimes I just want to shout,"Will you give me a break?!? The math-y alleles made a conspiracy to be recessive in me, okay?!?" Gag... sigh... but I do have one good thing abt me: I ROCK at Lang.Arts/English.

What bugs me the most about my parents is that... well you see, my brother isn't the most responsible person in the world. So my mum especially always makes me feel as if.. everything my brother does bad, I must do it good, but everything he does good, I must do it good too. Am I suposed to be perfect or what?

*huggles everyone* I didn't know all of those things, and now i feel so bad, since i've been ranting to swifty about my life, and never really asked how she is... I'M SORRY SWIFTY!!!!!!!!!! *tacklehuggles* Love you loads!

When my mom kicked me out, i acted like it was a relief and that it was all okay, but actually, it hurt like hell. I still cry myself to sleep - if i go to bed that is - and my friends (irl) told me to hook up with a guy to get over it. Geez thanks..

Not many of my friends know that i suffer from insomnia.

I'm ashamed of my past.

When people talk about their childhoods, i tend to stay quiet or pretend to have loads of happy memories too.

When i meet a good person who cares about me and wants to be my friend - or more - i start to pick out negative sides and push him/her away. And if i meet a person who everyone hates and warns me about, i try to see the good in him/her...

I often just call my friend to hear his voice, because it comforts me. This is something i made him promise to never tell anyone!

I've done things to hurt myself in the past - still do - and when something happens to me by accident, i fake to be very shocked and panicked about it, but in reality, i enjoy the feeling of getting hurt.

If someone treats me wrong and i know it, i tell myself that i deserve it and always find a reason for it too

I've tried to kill myself (it was in June when i was away for a week and came back in a wheelchair, long story)

I give other people advices, but never follow them myself

I hate to look weak in front of others

People see me as a happy person in school, outside of school and generally happy - but most of the time, i'm not.

I still get nightmares from my past, which is the reason for my insomnia.

When people ask me where i see myself ten years forward, i usually lie or joke about being famous and successful, but in fact, i see my hands covered with blood (part of the nightmare thing..)

I hate my job

I hate myself for being so complicated with my feelings and other things..

I am a coward in storms. I fear tornadoes the most. My home and all my childhood stuff was destroyed by one years ago and like last night I was in my bed crying and thinking I was going to die.

Also I am now getting scared at my new school. I used to be popular and now I'm not ! I'm just nothing compared to those kids! They're smart and rich and I'm the lowlife that happened to get lucky to get in cuz I had connections.

No one wants to be my friend and now I hate myself a lot for getting expelled. No one there likes me except the teachers and that's just scary. I'm a freaking nerd! I have no friends, I miss my old friends and how I used to be.

I'm internally conflicted as what to do or how to feel or where to go from here.

I wish that I could just disappear and not have any problems or people that make me feel like that I'm nothing. And I really can't believe I am just throwing my personal life out here like this but so much is bottled up inside me that if I don't let it out I'm going to start drinking again.

Here's all the dirt on me, my secrets, even my hidden ones and my feelings.

I had my first sexual experience when I was 12. Yes 12 and it was with a 16 year old girl who was babysitting me.

My dad raped my mom(real mom) and I was the result of that. She never lets me live that down and so that helps my self esteem about as much as being stabbed in the back.

Dad was in prison and got out last July and he and I sort of started to have contact and everything then he moved and I haven't heard from him.

My mom hates me and so I couldn't go back and move in with her. Not that I want to cuz she won't stop trying to make me feel like I shouldn't be around.
She does nothing but compare me to my dad and even didn't believe me when I got accused of raping a girl that was throwing herself at me. I did not touch her. SHE was touching me, I told her to stop, she wouldn't and so I pinned her against the wall and told her to leave me alone. THAT was the only touching that happened and I don't care how many kids think I did it, I didn't! I am totally against that and have had to pull guys off girls for trying that before.
~grumbles remembering some bad things~

I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. I've tried/smoked pot but I don't anymore.

I've had sexual experiences with several girls- no not all at once. I liked the feeling of being wanted and needed and so yeah. I know, it was wrong but I guess I didn't think or care about right and wrong during those times. ~looks embarassed~
Okay moving along...
I feel so down at times that I inflict pain upon myself. I don't cut, I punch things. Walls, brick walls, doors, people- usually the guys that tick me off. But I do NOT hit girls. I refuse to raise my hand or fist to a girl.

I can't skateboard anymore. I really can't. And this brings tears to my eyes typing this cuz I WANT TO. Skating used to make me feel like I was able to escape, I could have fun and just let loose. Now I can't even balance right on a board. Since that cancerious removal TWICE now, I'm not able to skateboard so ...I broke one of my boards and the other I gave away.

I smashed one of my guitars against my wall after I got expelled and it wasn't Zippy or Ziggy, it was an older one.

I sometimes like to destroy things but the relief I get from doing that isn't as much as me putting my fist through a wall. Go figure.

I KNOW I can do some stuff with no problem but lately I just HATE this new school. I can't even compare to the kids. And they always give me dirty looks! I am tempted to drop out.

I feel like I am stupid. At least at my old school I did have something. I was tempted to hit this one stuck up prep boy in my math class but I held myself back.

I am turning into such a wimp! I really am. And I hate not feeling good enough. I know I can beat guys up, I've done it. But now I just...grrrrrr

And I hate being back stabbed! I really really do! I have been stabbed in the back by so many so called friends that I am SICK OF IT! Patrick, Pen, Derrick, ADAM, Shelly, Mandy, Katie, Devin, TJ, Mark, Rich, Jeff, etc etc...the list goes on.. and WHY? What is so freaking bad about me that people have to stab me in the back? What did I do? Is it just my pathetic existance?

I am a terrible boyfriend. I really am and I have a bad habit of just turning cold and bitter at the worst times. I have my moments where I just freeze up, back off and shy away. I don't know why. I can only guess that I'm not mature enough for a relationship or that I fear getting hurt. I don't know...I just don't know.

And I am far from being perfect or all that great at anything outside of HE.

I at least feel like something important here and I know that I get picked on which I admit bothers me at times but not really all that much as I am sure I bother people and even hurt people's feelings. And if I go to far, I apologize to you guys.

Anyway, I'm going to stop now cuz I think after reading this, I might make some people hate me or think I'm some drama king which I guess I am.

Anyway, I just realized I ranted in this thread, but I told a lot of my darkest secrets so hopefully this still fits in this catagory.

I guess this is kind of the same thing as I said earlier, but..

I could never leave my bf. I've tried quite a few times, but he keeps saying he'll kill himself or hurt others and so on. I pretend I'm this strong girl blah blah blah and I won't take his snape is good, but I keep letting him do whatever he wants to me. First time he beat me up, I told him that if he ever did that to me again, I'd leave him and go tell the police. He promised not to do it again but he did, and I didn't do ANYTHING. He's called me so many things I can't even bother counting them, and yet I stayed. I really despise myself for forgiving him every single time he does anything to me. I'm too much in love with him to break up with him, and he's obsessed with me too. He's so jealous of every guy around me, but the worst thing is that he's got a right to be. I tell him he shouldn't worry, but..

Two or three of his friends has been hitting on me, and two of them has been.. Uh, groping me and stuff like that. Before I met my bf, I used to be really flirty and, well, you know. I was cheap. I thought I was, anyway, but my friends had a different way of putting it. They said I was good looking and charming and had a body to die for, sort of. I'd say i was cheapy-cheapy as.. Uh, I dunno, something cheap, like a volvo 240 xD
There is still a few guys who think I'm like that, and they come on to me at school and stuff. One of them is in my class, he keeps calling me 'honey' and complimenting my body and telling me I'm sexy and stuff (HE HAS A GF, AND HAS HAD FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS). I hate him and tell him to go someplace hot, but he doesn't understand that I'm actually serious. Another one is in one of my classes, and he keeps STARING at me all the time, wanting me to like.. sit in his lap and things like that. I tell him off, but in a humorous way. He's getting on my nerves. Then there's this other guy, one of my male friends big brother. He's.. Well, I think he's in love with me, which is cute in a way, but really annoying since my bf is so jealous. I hate lying to the bf and I don't know what the heck to do.


EDIT: actually, they're not behaving like that to be mean. it would have been a whole lot easier to tell them off if they had been.

I have "friends" who treat me like I'm crap

I'm dead scared of being rejected bye everone.

I love the thunder and lightening and rain.

The only reason I'm second head of the popular clique is because I pay for people when the come along and i take them a lot of fun places

I feel like I am getting used

I have anger managment problems. When ever i get angry, I tend to get very out of control. If i ge a bad grade, or someone ticks me off, I normally come and home and either hurt my sister or break something

My parents are constantly worrying that i am going to do something very rash.


They have every right to worry about that.

Every teacher at my school thinks I'm a happy ditz but I'm a depressed idiot.

I really hate science but I'm really good at it

I work really hard to achieve my goals, but i set them very high and most the time end up getting very disappointed in myself, which angers me, which makes me loose control.

I'm ashamed of the lies i have told in my life.

I'm ashamed of the life most ppl at school think i have

my parents don't try to understand what's going on in my head

they'd die trying to understand what's going on in my head

I can never figure out why i tell lies and why i make myself go through with all the crap i let them throw at me


I never think before I act, so i end up getting myself into major messes

I always need something more, enough is never enough, i am never satisfyed.


*big sigh* here i am pouring this all out to ppl online. and you know what's freaky? you guys probably care more than most ppl arouund me in my "real life"

I give loads and loads of huggles to Marie, Caro, Hannah, Jesse, and Becca! See? I'm not even putting it in asterisks! lol XD. I'm really sorry about all the things you guys go through; and I feel so ashamed that I get depressed when I have a nice life. I'm sorry. And if you guys don't want a pity party, this isn't a pity party. It's a sympathetic/empathetic/comforting party. Honestly, after I've read all of you ppl's posts, I just want to stretch my arms and give you all a big HUGE HUG!!!!! I kinda feel as if I kno you ppl, not to feel pretentious or anything. I know this thread is called Deepest Darkest Secrets, but I'm breaking the rules.

Marie: your mom shouldn't expect you to be perfect, so if she does, than she's WRONG. you should just be yourself; striving to be the best person you can be... that doesn't mean perfect btw. I sometimes feel pressured to be the perfect daughter, too; and of course I'm not, but as long as my mom/parents know that I love them, I don't feel that pressured.

Caro: I'm sorry that your mom kicked you out. But I feel sorrier for your mom because when she committed that travesty, she lost a wonderful member of her family. You are special, Caro, so you shouldn't hate yourself so much. It's wrong, and though this may seem really harsh, 50 percent of your problems probably are the result of all that hate (for yourself and other things). Some people go all "I hate my life, I'm destined to be mmiserable, I hate the way that I am" but I think that they choose to hate and be miserable when they are. Life is all about choices, and I believe that people should choose to live a happy life full of friends and joy. I know that some things are inevitable... no matter how much you wish they were otherwise, but I think you should change what you can change, to be a better person. i'm not saying you're bad, Caro,; I'm saying that you can be happier if you truly work towards it and want to be. I'm sorry about your confrontation with suicide... I know that if it were me, I wouldn't be brave enough to attempt it (suicide) because I wouldn't be cowardly enough to leave this life that God gives. Even if you're an atheist... Whenever you think you're alone, Caro, please remember that sometimes the people that you've never met care about you very much.

Jesse: What I'm saying to you is kinda the same as what I said to Caro: don't hate yourself and be miserable so much. Life's all about choices. To tell you the truth, it's kinda freaky to me that you had your first sexual experience at the age of twelve; i'm 13. I'm sorry that your dad raped your mom and your mom won't let you forget it. Parents can be REALLY stupid sometimes, can't they? lol. I'm sorry you get stabbed in the back... it's a horrible feeling and I speak from experience. You say you have no friends? Then make them. don't be cool and aloof and let your true self shine. you're not going to get any friends without some effort on your part, first. On other issues, Jesse... the past is the past. I know this probably sounds so cliche, but let bygones be bygones. Of course, learn from your past mistakes, but forge a road in life that you want, not a road that is half-made from backstabbing and guilt trips. btw, don't hate yourself... didn't I say that already?...lol. Anyway, just to reiterate, don't hate yourself Jesse, cause you're a wonderful person.

Hannah: Leave your bf. I don't care about all his pleads and wails: just leave him. If he hurts you and insults you and continues to, leave him. Because you know what Hannah? He doesn't deserve you. ANy guy who'll treat you like crap doesn't deserve you... and if you haven't been told that already, then I'm really surprised. If someone hits on you in a disgusting and demeaning and debasing way, don't hesitate to tell him off. First in a tactful way, but if the message just won't get through his thick skull, than do it rudely. As long as he gets the message. Better yet, tell a school counselor (they don't all suck) or a nice teacher or a parent who'll understand. And trust your friends Hannah...becuase the true ones will always be there for you.

Becca: Don't try to be someone that you're not. Gradually let your real self out and if your "friends" in the popular crowd shie away, then they're missing out on someone that is a great friend and person. Eventually, be your real self. If you parents don't understand you, use a diary... and please never hurt your sister. I once hurt mine in a rare display of temper, and omg, I've felt so bad and guilty since. And I doubt your sister deserves to feel the brunt of your anger. Diaries, on the other hand, can't tell you off or backstab you... they're cool.

Wow... this has turned into such a long post... I know like 80 percent of what I've said sounds cliche, but some of the most cliche things as the truest. is that even a word? lol... but anyway, I think you're all wonderful ppl and always remember that someone you've never met can care about you even when you're on the otherside of the world. Optimism is good for the soul ! lol...