Deepest Darkest Secrets

I'm scared to get close to people in real life. Because it seems everytime I do I'm ripped away.

I pretend that moving wasn't a bad thing, that it helped me, but in reality it tore me into so many pieces I'm still trying to put them all back together.

I only show people the side of me they want to see, the side they expect to see.

I have had thoughts of suicide, but could never actually bring myself to try anything. Not because I was afraid of the pain, but because I was afraid of the pain I'd cause other people.

I do care what everyone thinks. So when they insult me in the slightest I take it to heart and I can't bring myself to let it go.

A lot of times I feel like just another person. So many people pass me off and look over me. I fear I'm not unique in the slightest and that I won't make a difference in the world. That when I die I will fade quickly from everyone's memories.

I often put aside my pain and try to cover it, because I'm scared of what people will say if they find out. Find out that I do have so many problems and just how deep the things they say cut me.

My self esteem is shot. Its just about invisible, and I never help it. I never think I'm good enough either.

You're good enough to be the Arithmancy professor! lol... I've moved 7 times in my life... and each time, I've had to adjust with new friends and school and neighborhood... I've never had a best friend, even though I have a bunch of best friends (does that make sense)? I mean I've never had like a soulmate best friend kind of person. tHe person that I can tell everything to and the person that can sing me the song of my heart when I've forgotten the words. Everytime I've moved, I become good friends with ppl... but most of the time, there are two ppl whom I especialy am close too.. unfortunately, those ppl are usually best best friendsb4 I moved ther... so I keep feeling as if I split best best friend groups up... What is wrong with me?

I'm sometimes jealous of my frineds

My friends think I'm smart but I'm not I work fast and get the answers so I don't really know everything they think I know

I dream of the guy I like every night

I lost “it” just after my 14 birthday and I really really wish I hadn’t It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life soo far

Ok I’m going to admit this I was addicted to a number of drugs but with help from my friends and a huge help from people of the here you lot know who you are. I gave up the main ones but I still do use drugs on a regular basics like at weekends

I starve myself a lot to look pretty I think that I have to be skinny to look pretty but when anyone goes to me oh omy god soo fat and ugly when I look at them I see all this beauty and im like no way your not fat but when I look at myself fully well knowing that im skinner than that person just said that I still see myself as bigger than them.

I have nothing to do so I waste my time getting drunk and high with my friends at weekends in stupid clubs and then going back to one of theres waking up in the morning thinking oh my god why am I doing this and saying to myself im not doing this again I have got to sort myself out and then come the next weekend im doing it all over again.

I never think Im good enough for any boy that I go out with even if they treat me horrid I always blame it on myself.

I judge myself way to much

I care way to much on my apperance

I think i'm fat

I wish I could go on a diet...

but in reality i can't go a day without chocolate

I'm addicted to the internet

I'm a follower

I wish I could be a leader

I want to be the type of girl authors write about- the loud, opinionated, some-what weird, random, bubbly person that sooo many writers choose to make their main characters. The type of girl who grabs a guy's hand and pulls them into the pouring rain just to dance.

I try to act like that type of person, but in my mind it comes off as just plain weird

I'm uberly self concious

I can't do anything without thinking first "Is that weird?" "Is that cool?" "Is that OK?"

I have really low self esteem. In fifth grade every tuesday i had to attend this meeting thing with the school counsler and all these weird kids... -the kind of kids who have to walk around the school with the counsler... the one's that CONSTANTLY show up late, and as their excuse just grunt- all because I had low self esteem.

In 3rd-4th grade I had no friends. My best friend was the boy down the street, (who now is really weird and gels the front of his hair into this rock hard spike thing), whom i've been in the same class with since 2nd grade.

5th grade, I finally had friends. 5th grade, I was popular. I was only 11 years old and I already cared about social-status. Heck, I've cared about social-status since I was 9.

I won't let myself live anything down. Like, if I decide to have a party, and it goes horridly wrong, I will never let myself forget about it. But then I get scared and nervous and think that if I remember it, other people do.

I don't have a real best friend. My real best friend moved away at the end of last year, and left me. I haven't talked to her in ages.

I'm friends with the "popular" "preppy" people, but I sometimes feel i don't fit in. Like I belong somewhere else.

Sylvia, (my real best friend ^) didn't like the popular people, I hang out with. So i'd blow her off to be with them. I completely regret that now... now that i never see her.

I used to be friends with a girl named Megan. She was a complete... not nice word (*swear worddddddd*) She was my best friend, before Sylvia, and at one point made me turn against Sylvia, thinking that she said some nasty things about me that she in reality never said. Megan's dad is the principal of one of the top 10 high schools in the country, and is filthy rich. She owns her own limo. Sad. anywho... we used to be best friends, I'd go everywhere with her, ride around in the limo with her, go shopping, everything. Then her dad got her into this magnet program school unfair-ly. She took the test to get in, and didn't make it. When this nerdy girl, who we were somewhat friends with, did get in, and passed the test with flying colors. Anwho, Megan got on the waiting list FOR the waiting list, and her dad (all because of who he is) got her in infront of bunches of other people who diserved it way more than her. .....
where was this all going? I really don't remember... oh well, i'll try to wrap this part up XD

anyway... I relized what a *Swear word* she was, and a few nasty email conversations later, we now loath eachother. But rumor has it, that she's switching to my school next year. and for that i am terrified. She has this "charm" that kind of, sucks popular people in... making her herself popular. and I'm scared that my popular friends will be drawn to her, and end up being friends with her, making me friendless. I'm scared to death of being alone.

****Megan rant over****** lol

I've never had a real boyfriend

I feel like a dork, because the guy that I like isn't popular, or overly hansome. He has kind of poofy hair, that he flips back like girl would do- to keep it out of his eyes, and has big front teeth.... but he's kind of shy which is really cute, and once you get to know him, he's really funny. I feel like a dork for liking a guy with personality instead of looks.

I spend way to much time away from my family.... It's become a problem, and it ties in with the internet addiction i mentioned up there. Pretty much the only time i see my parents is early in the morning before i go to school, meals, and well really thats about it. I wake up, I eat, I go to school, I come home, I do my homework, I RUSH upstairs to my room, I attach myself to my laptop, my mom calls me down for dinner, I eat, I sprint back upstairs, I'm online for up to 5 hours if it's a school night, and even 7-8 hours on Friday's or Saturdays.

I try to make myself "cooler" by buying things from the best stores, or whatever's hot now... but I still try to be myself. Like... if everyone's wearing sweatpants from Abercrombie, i'll get the pair that's bright yellow that no one dares to get. See, It's like i'm two people, one person that tries to be like everyone else, and one who wants to be an individual.

I feel like there is nothing i'm truly good at. I used to think I was really good at dance, until i met this girl named Allie, who has been dancing just as long as I have, but she practices litterely almost every single day for hours on end, while I practice a couple hours every tuesday.

and that's where I am forcing myself to stop, before you people die of my teenage problems =) sorry about the uberly long-ness of my novel post... XD

I secretly hope that one day i'll save the world xD

Eventhough i seem like a calm and relaxed person, i panic very easily

When i tried Yoga (yes, i went to my aunt's yoga class with her) i started to giggle when some of the positions reminded me of something else xD

I have a very uberdirtyfilthy mind, and you all know it. :D

I've escaped from a hospital just because i didn't like the doctors xD

When it comes to fire, i throw all the safety out of the window

EDIT:

June - Thanks for your words ^^ Of course, i know all of that already, but it still means a lot to me. My real friends won't even talk about it, cuz they're scared i'll do it again... anyway, there's just some things i regret so much that i hate myself for being so stupid to let it happen in the first place. That's probably the main reason for the whole "I hate myself" thing. Besides, i've had enough of the bad luck-stuff following me around, so i just give up and go on with it... i mean, i can't help it that bad stuff keep on happening to me!! Still, i'm grateful for what you said, you're such a nice girl, and i seriosuly didn't expect anyone to... well, care, about my rant :D

I let Jess steal a rose from Disney World... she told me and I didn't even tell her not to XD

I had a heart transplant, which was a dangerous surgery, and I actually hope that I had died instead

My boyfriend cheats on me - and i still won't dump him o__O

I have a crush on my best friend, who likes me too, but my other best friend is kind of dating him

I can't even smile for real anymore

I MISS MY MUM!!!!!!

You.... you wish you'd died....

YOU DORK.

I want to be a drama queen and just run off crying. It hurts that much....

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY BEFORE YOU SAY IT!!!

I don't feel like thinking, and i really don't feel like listening to any advice :D

I'm going to my school's high school next year... you see, my school has an elementary, middle, and high-school all on the same lot. I'm looking forward to school next year, but pretty much all of the people I hang out with are going to public school. They bash my high school everyday, saying how bad and small it is and about how much fun they're going to have next year in the humoungous public school my town has. I don't show it, but it hurts that they don't seem to care that I made the choice to go to this school and that they should respect that. I sometimes feel left out when they talk about their "super-cool" classes they're all taking next year.

So now I need to find some new people to hang out with. I'm really good friends with some people in my class that are not in my current group so I think I'll hang out with them. But I have this one other girl from my group that is also staying at this school, and I feel bad about leaving her out. I just have no clue what to do =)


Oh wow, that was not a deep dark secret... or maybe it was... not sure =)

But I think I'll end this post with a few deep-dark secrets.

I think I'm really fat because I weigh more than all of my friends. To me, it doesnt matter that I'm at least two or three inches taller than all of them. I just feel fat all the time with them.

I don't think I'm all that pretty and funny and cute. My friends all say that I am and they compliment me all the time, but I can always see the flaws in myself and look over the good things.

My group of friends decided we would all have boyfriends by Christmas this year. I guess that's another secret, that I've never had a boyfriend... but anyway, they're all excited because there will be a whole group of new guys at their new school, and I think they feel sorry for me because I have to "make do" with the (much!) smaller group coming to my school.

I hate my feet, I think they are the ugliest things in the world.

I'm afraid to be myself at school because everyone sees me as being this quiet smart girl there and if I'm like I usually am at home, they'll think I'm high or something...


I think that's enough confessions for tonight for me

I still sleep with three dolls that I have had since i was one. haha.
I hate to cry... it dosnt seem to do any good, and makes my eyes puffy
I am madly in love (I think... everyione says I am too young, but thats just how I feel)

wow...I'm like the exact oppisite of you...

okay...

I love everything to do with death, like I'm obsessed with it i.e I'm always asking people if they were going to kill themselves how would they do it. What reasons would drive them to do it, what age would they do it at? etc.

I hate everything to do with my religion (mormon) and every chance I get I swear at church. I asked my bishop what his personal hell would be when he goes there...

Some times I wish that my friends would just leave me alone, but I can't tell thme to just go away because they're pissing me off. All except Kindra I can tell kindra to go **** herself and it doesn't bother me.

secretly I'm bi-sexual and love my best friend but she's going out with kindra so that pisses me off more

Most of the time people think I'm high, so I tell them I'm high on life and they tell me its better if you crush it up and smoke it.

People tell me all the time to shut up and pay attention except math and he thinks I'm a perfect angel when really I think of ways how to kill him in class. So far I've decided electracution would be best.

I hate my toes, like my feet are okay even if they are a small size 6 1/2 I ahte the toes...the toenails etc...

I think gay guys are hott

I'm writting a book, which isn't really a secret, but I couldn't think of a title so I came up with My life in an Orange Nutshell whichmakes me wonder if I'm a nut case?

And finally

I'm in love like for real with this guy I haven't even spoken to all that much, but he says I write very well, and this is coming from a guy who won second place in a poetry slam!!! *swoon*

im really scared of something happening to my mam and dad and my kids i have nightmares of bad things happinging to them all the time and i wake up crying my eyes out this happens alot

also im started to be hurt again from love so i block out my feelings when i know things are getting serius

im scared of spider really badly

im rather jealous at time

i have a really bad timer if im pushed

i have done some really bad things in my past that i now wish i hadnt done coz it causes pain everyday now and the one that could have stoped all that didnt know anything about what was going on and when i told him it was to late and he knows im sorry for lying about it to him

I have a lot of weird, irrational fears. For example, I am sometimes afraid that people are going to start coming out of the t.v. (this was before ever watching The Ring)

I am afraid of absolutes and anything else that I can't wrap my head around. I think it stems more from a fear of the unknown.

I am frightened by the sound of a ticking or chiming clock and owls. I think those are because they're related to or symbolize the passing of time, another absolute. I freak out from the sound of windchimes. I'm terrified of ants and butterflies. Yes butterflies.

There are all kinds of others, but I don't feel like revealing them.