The thoughts, randomness, and life of me

Dear Post,

Well this is quite a bit odd... I must admit I do have a diary.. which I am very protective of... so why should I put my thoughts, feelings, and life up for everyone to see? Cause I'm bored XD And I want to be brave... er then I normally am .

So I suppose I should talk about my life.. H.E. and real... the problem is, my life is uber boring... so I'll warn you now... this will be boring XD. Today I went to school XD.

We played Jeopardy in World Studies and we killed the other team! 170 to 80, I'll admit (and brag XD) that I earned the team about 70 points . Which made the other team not happy with me... but when are they? XD

In Science I took a test... which I'm almost certain I failed.. because I had no clue what the last two pages were about (and of coarse they had to be worth the most XD

Then we took a test in Computers, which I totally Aced 100% cause I'm just good at that class XD. In choir we watched High School Musical. Cause we are singing songs from there in our Pops concert coming up. And I found out we aren't going to state .

In algebra we worked on our poster boards, and I just have to glue everything on... and get more pictures... which I am currently neglecting to write this XD

In English we finished the Watson's Go To Birmingham- 1963, and got the false final copies of the papers we wrote back. You see they were suppose to be the final copies, however I am the only one in the whole entire stinking class that knows how to format the paper (mind you he told us every day for a week). So he was all "Do you really want these to be your final copies? And cause I like my paper I went "Yeah." He goes on to talk about how no one would want theirs how it was, then looked at mine and said "Okay maybe you would" and then made me a bet

Which by the way I am totally going to win. If I don't find anything I want to change on my paper, and I don't change it, then he owes me a Sprite. If however I do change something I owe him a Coke. So I'm pretty confident I'm gonna get a Sprite XD

Lets see... what else can I bore you with about my life? Oh yeah Jeremy and I are going on our first official date on Friday... its a group date though, cause techinally I'm not allowed to date XD.

Anyway I think I've droned on enough about me... or have I? I mean come on... who is really interested in my personal thoughts? Or my life? Cause my life is pretty boring as I just proved XD Oh right... I was leaving wasn't I? ... yeah I was... so yeah XD

-Amby

Dear Posty,

Lookie!! I added a y to your name, cause Post is sooo impersonal... oh goodness... I'm talking to a post... this can't be good for me... oh well. XD

Anyway, life has been interesting since I wrote... two whole days ago XD. See my grandma's on/off boyfriend for the past 3 years, his house burned down yesterday at 4 am. He barely got out alive, and lost everything. This makes my grandma, sister, and brother extremely sad. Me, not so much. Now before you all go and judge me harshly, I'll say this karma isn't pretty. And he has virbally and pyshically harrassed my grandma . So while I feel for him, I'm not really all that sad.

I had my conference last night, and that went okay I guess. I mean I presented some stuff and got my MEAP scores. (MEAP is a standardized test we all take here in Michigan.) I got a 1 (Above Standards and the best score you can get) in Lanuage Arts, Science, and Math. And a 2 (Met Standards) in Writing. Which is all subjective anyway XD. I also got told that I could skip Freshman Science if I chose to.

Which is ironic, because I got my test I took last week in Science back today. I got a 69% which is a D+... oh well. I got over it XD. Really its just a D+ and the marking period just started, so its not that big of a deal, I'll just have to do the extra credit from now on XD.

Speaking of tests I'm almost sure I failed my math one today... man I really need to learn the meaning of the word study. XD Well.. I need to learn how to study... whatever...

Oooh!!! I'm gonna tell you guys about Phat the Balloon. XD See I was at Traci's house and I was all "Traci your fat is phat!" and then Haylee (her sister) came and gave Traci and I each one of her three baloons. Haylee kept the pink one and named it Sally. Traci got the Blue one and named it Bob. And I got the purple one.

So I was all oooh pretty (XD). And Haylee asked me what its name was and I go "Phat" XD lol. And Phat was a guy.. then Haylee made me draw faces on the baloons, and Phat became a girl XD.

Anyway I shall talk about my H.E. life... which actually isn't all that exciting. I've been posting in the dorm (LIONS PRIDE ALL THE WAY!! XD) and such, and playing my favorite game. 'Question's Only'.

But yeah... and as always I'm on Gin's site XD. But I won't bore you with all that XD. So yeah I shall go now... really I shall... cause I'm suppose to be replying to people anyway... XD

-Amby

Dear Posty,

This is going to be my most emotional entry for two reasons. One, I'm feeling very emotional and two, no one is actually going to read it XD. Which I'm fine with, ya know cause come on, who really wants to read about me? I mean honestly. Its me. My problems, don't really have priority to anyone else's so don't spend your time reading this. Go find someone who has worse problems then I do and help them.

Because honestly I'm pathetic. And I know it. I sit here in front of my computer, doing absolutely nothing. And I expect people to feel or heck even care about my problems, which they have no reasons to. Because I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Its nothing major and I should just get over it. Really I should, because I'm being selfish my caring. And even more selfish by posting this. Because as I'm sitting here typing this, with each increasing word someone else is becoming less happy. That makes me selfish.

It makes me selfish that I have sank into a depression. That I feel like no one, not anyone important anyway. Because if I were important, then people would take the time to talk to me, heck they would take the time to look at me. Yet, they don't. I'm just living a life that could be cared less about. And of the 1044 people on the site, only one other person, two at the most, will care enough to read this. And of the 5 billion people in the world two, maybe three, will actually look at me when I pass by, will actually take the time to know about who I am before judging me. Won't shun me.

And as I sit here typing this, trying not to let on that I am depressed to my family, it makes me a bad person. That I actually am doing this to you all, that I would post this and make you unhappy. Well as I said I'm selfish, and I'm sorry for that. But, I can't just let all this bottle up inside to until I explode again. Why? Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I let you all just go on and never know how much I'm hurting at this instant? Because, I can't bare the thought of having a break down, yet again. I can't imagine what it would be like to be sobbing in my desk during class again. I can't bring myself to do that to the people there. Yet I can to you, and I apologize deeply for that.

But on some level I'm hoping that someone will actually care about me. About how I'm feeling, and how much I wish I could just disappear. Hoping that someone would miss me if I did happen to. That it would actually matter. Anything. Its ironic that I can feel this way after having gone to church, yet that helped my mood to its current state. As I was ignored there as well. I was just another person sitting there. Not anyone special. Not that I don't try to be, I try so hard to get people to notice me. Yet, they don't. It hurts when they don't.

So much so that I consider staying in bed and hiding under my covers forever. And you know what? After today I just might, why even bother with it anymore? I mean honestly. Its not as if I'm anyone important.

-Amby

I have to agree with Sharon amby *huggles tightly* you're an amazing person and, if you must know, I would definitely miss you very much if you disappeared

Thanks so much guys *huggles* you have no idea how much it means to me that you would say that

See amby I told you people care and yes Amby you will be missed (ohh look i took the time to capitalize your name.) but seriously I love and I would miss you and sometimes I wish I could be just like you smart,witty,pretty,funny,Brilliant, and down to earth also LOVE YOU

AMBYYYYYYYYYY *tacklehuggles* you are very important!!!! And if you diappeared....we'd miss you tooo much =C

so no disappearing =D

Amby! No disappearing! *tacklehugglesmoochies*

See, now it's at least 5 of us who have read this, more even , from these 1044 members of HE and we care about you! SO - dormie - if ya ever think of hiding under your blanket again - PILLOW FIGHT! :D - got it?

*huggles all*

Okay no disappearing for me, besides I think those covers would get too warm after a while XD

Dear Posty,

I happen to be feeling much much better today. And I have to apologize about yesterday. I was way out of line to just do what I did. I was being way over dramatic and feeling sorry for myself. Don't worry it won't happen again XD. I know what plenty of people do care about me, and wouldn't be happy if I disappeared. So I'll never post anything like that gain. Just so ya know.

Traci is gonna come over today . Actually she's on her way over now, should be here any minute. But I'm not getting off XD. We'll probably end up going to the library, after a while. ya know wait until later to ask. That way my grandma might actually take us, cause it looks like its gonna rain again.

But also I want to thank everyone who said what they did to me, once more. Because it helped me so much, and I can't thank you enough. *huggles them all again*. So I think I'll go now XD.

- Amby

*huggles amber* don't apologize sweetie, it wasn't out of order. it's normal to feel that way and not keep it inside, it's too hard to keep to ourself, and you know what? that's why we're here for you, so that you have someone to tell it to. And I'm glad you did too because I'm sure just typing that thing and posting it was already helpful to you *huggles*

O0o0o I wasn't on yesterday so I couldn't read the first one then but I would be very mad too if you disappeared, and there a lot of people who care about you here that don't come to the Diary Room so don't be disappointed! I know what it feels like to go through a time like that. Last year the last week of schoool, I cried so hard I literally made myself sick. So dont do that!!!!!! Anywayz...we all love you!

<3 Katie

Dear Posty,

So today is the 5th and Spring Break will be over soon . Which makes me sad inside . Cause I love Spring Break! O.O OMG OMG OMG!!!! I just remembered... I have to give a speech when I get back... OMG OMG OMG! I'm sooo gonna die.. I mean it, the speech and all its evilness will kill me!

Cause I haven't got a word of it memorized! And and and everyone always watches me! I mean come on they don't pay attention to anyone else, they just pick at their nails or doodle. But heaven forbid they ignore me when I get up there! They just stare at me... cause they want to listen to what I've got to say! Why?!? Why in the world am I cursed like that?!?

*freaks out* okay okay okay I've got to breathe right? Cause breathing is good right? right? right... I think... yeah must breathe... air good, carbon dioxide bad. *takes a deep breath*

Okay... sorry about that... I'm just a bit worried. A bit.. but I'll get over it.. maybe... I hope. Yeah I will, cause I'll rock my speech. I'm just gonna go now...

- Amby

*huggles amber*

...i always tell you amber, your awesome. IF ONLY YOU KNEW IT!

and also...its 5th of april. 6th tomorrow which means...my birthday!

Dear Posty,

These eggs are still driving em insane. I still only have one left and I can't find it for the life of me! Oh well, I might just give up. I mean after so many bloody hours, its not even about being first its I really want to be able to say I found them all. *sighs* Oh well life goes on.

So here I am Easter Day at 6:00 am in the morning . Alone, well not entirely alone I guess. My brother is sleeping in the other room. But ya know thats not really with anyone else either. My family is so screwed up. Its Easter for goodness sake! Not just any other day! Yet, my sister and Grandma are up at Vic (the guy who's house burned down's house, he got a temp. house) and my mom is working! What is wrong with them?!? What ever happened to spending time with your family? Ever holiday that passes we all spend less time together, and I try to not let it get to me. But how can I not? Everyone else is spending time with their families. Why don't I get that right? Why can't my family care enough to say "Its a holiday I'm not going to work." or "Forget Vic right now I have my own family to be with."

I long so desperately to hear those words. Yet, I know my efforts are inn vain. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to get over it. I mean its life, you can't always get what you want. *shrugs and sighs*

Anyway, moving on. So last night I'm sitting in my bedroom at like 10:12 pm (I checked XD) trying to lay down and get some sleep, because I thought I was gonna have an early day. When Jess calls, and shes talking to Rai. My goodness! She had me on my cell for an hour and 10 minutes or something like that. And then Jess made me sing, for some reason or another and Rai goes "I'm a Slytherin I lie." So I sang for nothing! *glares at the two of them* I'm not happy with either one of you for that. And Jess changed the words to some good songs ruining them... oh and apparently Rai said I'm dead meat XD.

I don't even remember why XD But if I turn up dead, you all should hunt down Rai. Okay? Good, cause I will know if you don't XD. Alright... I'm bored, and my cat is the only other living thing awake... I suppose I could pet my cat... but that'd get boring too... So I think I'll just go.

On and HAPPY EASTER!!!!

-Amby

Dear Posty,

There is so much arguing going on in my house. So much yelling between everyone. Some of it comes from me, but not most of it. Most of it comes from my brother and my sister, just as it is now. My sister is swearing at me calling me many things to my face, and although I've said some of the same things about her it wasn't to her face. My brother is such a disrespectful person.

No one ever listens to me, and they insult me. So violent I have gotten things thrown at me too many times to count. My family is so dysfunctional I can't really even begin to understand it. It hurts, we be yelled at and to try and have your brother kill you. And thats not a figure of speech either, he has choked me and held me under water trying to purposefully drown me. And I don't want pity from anyone, I just have to get this out.

I'm not trying to get anyone to fell sorry for me, which I'm often told I try and do. Because my life is so great, according to everyone. They don't see how damaged my family... my life is. My sister, brother and grandma all have anger management problems, I myself have quite a temper but I try to keep it in. And my dad I don't see enough to know about him. My mom keeps a cool head, but shes never around, and when she is it doesn't matter. It's ridiculous and I long for things to be different.

How I long to have a family that isn't so screwed up, that cares. My mom, whom I love dearly, can sit there and watch me cry and be hurt, psychically or emotionally, and not do a thing. While my brother and sister inflict pain on me purposefully, so that when I break they can watch, they love watching me fall apart. Its fun for them, so see me such a mess, to cry until my eyes hurt and no more tears will come. It's fun for them, and my grandma doesn't give a crap. She comes home to yell and then leaves as soon as possible.

And I want to cry and break down again. It would be good for me to spend the night crying, to get this all out before it gets to be way more then I can handle. And its on its way to getting there, yet I can't. I wish I could just sit here and cry and let this day finish off that way, however I'm resisting myself. My stronger half is fighting it, not allowing me to get it all out anymore then writing this.

My grandma is coming home today... and theres gonna be a shouting match, I can sense it. And most likely its gonna come down on me, and I will spend a numerous amount of hours for the rest of the night in my room. Trying to cry and let myself break down so I can do it in privacy, yet I won't. I can't, there's many other people who can't handle my break down on top of their problems, or so thats what I keep telling myself. And I believe it, but I also believe that I'm telling myself that just so that I won't break down.

-Amby

Amby, I wish that there were something I could say to you to make you feel better, or something I could say that would fix your family. You are a smart, great girl, and someday you'll get a chance to get away from the people that hurt you. The best thing about being an adult out on your own is that you get a chance to create your own kind of family, full of friends that you choose and who support you. Until then know that there are people on here to support you, comfort you, and never ever yell at you!

Kate : )

I have to agree with Kate

Families are what they are, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your life. You are a really amazing girl Amber, and having to break away and cry doesn't make you weak, you really are strong as well and you are a really sweet and nice girl. And remember there are a bunch of people who are here for you if you need to let it all out or just to have someone make you laugh.

Dear Posty,

Hmmm, I just realized most of my posts in here are depressing . *sighs* Sorry about that, it's just the way I am. Contrary to popular belief I am a pretty depressed person, I guess I'm to self-critical and dramatic, but I really try not to be. I honestly do, cause really it doesn't do me much good.

Anyway I'm bored... and I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do, I'm listening to some music right now Music is good, oh speaking of music, today in computer class the sub went to turn on the Radio and everyone got into like a disagreement about what to listen to... okay so I got into a fight with everyone else about what to listen to XD.

See they wanted to listen to 104.5 R&b, and Rap, and I was all "104.5 is banned from schools, and I hate that station." So they get all "Shut Up Amber! No one cares what you think!" Which of coarse, you just don't say to me, cause then I'll get all offended XD. So then the sub goes to the class "So do you all wanna listen to 104.5?" and everyone goes yes. And I go "No, I'm offended by it." which of coarse got me multiple glares XD. So she changed it to country, mwhahahahaha!! XD and they're all "I hate this change it!" and I go "Hey! I love this song, its Gone by Montgomery Gentry." mwhahahahaha XD. So that was my Slytherin moment of the day, cause we listened to 3 really good songs before she changed it to 105.3 which I'm okay with XD

So I think I'm gonna go now, cause I'm reading this really good LWD fic

-Amby

Dear Posty (and the people who read this),

Well I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that my grandma found a note Traci and I passed back and forth, talking about her. The good news is that my grandma found a note Traci and I were passing back and forth, talking about her. Now this is good and bad for a few reasons.

Why its bad: Because she was very hurt by it. Jazzy said when she found it she actually cried. Now she can't look at me without giving me a sad look. So its bad because I've hurt my grandma.

Why its good: Maybe now she gets it. That she is an old, wrinkly, hypocrite. Maybe now she'll change her attitude. Plus, as she can't even look at me without being hurt, now she doesn't talk to me. Which in turn means she doesn't yell at me, nag at me or call me numerous words I am not allowed to say in here.

So now she's sitting behind me and hasn't said a word to me, nor acknowledged my existence. Which I'm perfectly fine with, because she's complaining anyway. But, now of it is toward me, I'm not even here, she looked at the computer, as if she wanted to get on, but didn't. As that would involve talking to me, the only thing that kinda stings is when I say "I love you.", like everyone else. I'm the only one that she doesn't say it to. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to live with it.

So that's all I've got to say, and I guess I'll just go do something now.

-Amby

Dear Posty,

Some things in life never last. Like for instance my grandma being mad at me, or me being grounded, or school, etc.. .... well that served no real purpose XD It was just a random statement. To see how much it'd get your attention XD Which that probably lost it, but whatever.

Hmmm I didn't reach my goal, again XD I set it for the Friday before last, then the Sunday before the last, then yesterday. Each time I failed... I'm not an undergrad yet Well guess what? I am going to reach it today! Mwhahahahahahahaha! The evil posting spree Amby/Amber is back! Be afraid, be very afraid!

Actually this is just kinda to kill time and gain a post, cause my life is extremely boring XD. Really it is, well cept yesterday. Which is one of the reasons I never reached my goal yesterday.

See Traci and I went down to the Elementary school to play on the playground (XD) and we started to play Voldemort (Actually it was suppose to be Horse, but it ended up Voldemort XD) and Quinn, Ryan, and Cody came up. They began playing basketball too. They asked us to play XD That wasn't a smart idea, we ended up playing for 3 hours and Traci and I were just glad they didn't have a camera XD It'd most definately end up being the YouTube video of the week XD

Oh and on Saturday we ended up riding a grand total of... *grabs pen and paper, while opening map quest* 6 miles XD Which is a lot, really XD See that's another reason why I didn't reach my goal. It's all Traci's fault XD

I love you twinny! *huggles* XD Anyway, I think I'll be going.

- Amby

Dear Posty,

Things in life just aren't fair. The way you're branded for one action and the way you're family is the one who hurts you most. That's how I feel now, branded, and hurt.

I'm branded by the kids at school. The way they can just pass by me, and label me on what few moments of my life they see me. The way when I lose my cool just once, it changes everything. You'd think that I'd be used to it, after all our class (as an 8th grade in general) is prone to fighting, and name calling, and life ruining. And you sit back and watch as people have their lives torn apart and all you can think of is how much you hope it's not you next. So instead they brand me, call me words I'm not even allowed to post here. And I have to take it with a smile, because I know how much worse they could make my life. How far they could tear it apart for the year's to come. Those people, who have so much influence of social standing of everyone, lie about it. Straight to everyone's faces, "We can't control anything, we use what sway we have to help people.". Those are the words that come out of their mouths, things that couldn't be further from the truth and yet they keep saying them.Trying to convince everyone that they have no power, until they want to use it. Until they want to tear someone's life apart, they keep saying those things. But when you cross them, stand up to them, you find you're life going in a downward spiral. For something so small as stating your opinion.

The hurt caused by your own family is the deepest of all. The way they ignore you and leave you out, because you're just being yourself. The way that they yell at you for telling them you don't wanna be treated like you're still five years old. That you want to be able to think for yourself, and make your own decisions. You rebel in the slightest form, and suddenly they want to shun you. Your sister hates you as well as your grandmother. Your brother has tried to kill you five times and counting, though he only acknowledges four of those times. And your mom is so wrapped up in work and other things that she just doesn't care anymore. You love her to death, because she's the only one that actually doesn't feel any resentment toward you. Because she gets what you're going through to some extent. It's horrible how things can be that way, and yet they are.

And you wanna know what's the worst part of all this? That I have that audacity to write this all here. To make people x amount of miles away, take times from their busy lives, and there own problems because some 14 year old from West Michigan has petty little problems she can't solve themselves. For which I apologize, but I had to write it. Thought I shouldn't have... I did.

- Amby

Dear Posty,

I'm in one of those moods again. I feel horrible and unloved. Very very unloved, I'm not even at home to feel this way. I'm way from all the yelling and screaming and negativity. Yet, I still manage to end up sitting her crying, and making people annoyed at me because once again I'm breaking down. There's got to be something wrong with me, no one else has these problems, no one else can do this so often to the point that even the people that care most, could care less. So she's crying, so she's freaking out, so she's depressed, it's like the what, 50th time in the past three months? What do you expect me to do about it? People don't have to say it for me to know that's what they're thinking.

I feel so alone, more so then I've felt in a while. I feel completely deserted. And I find myself wondering who would care if I weren't here? Who wouldn't forget me in a month or less? These thoughts happen more and more per day and I know they shouldn't. I like my life, and my friends, and my family, and I don't wanna do anything that could hurt them, but I can't help but wonder if they wouldn't be hurt. If they'd just brush it off and forget about me. Why shouldn't they? What is so special about me to miss? I'm just another person and of the 5 billion on this Earth I could probably be replaced the easiest. If I never came onto this stie it wouldn't be that different. It'd be the same really. If I left the difference wouldn't be drastic, if I could never come back you probably wouldn't even notice after about a month if that long.

My life hasn't made a difference in anyone's so what's the point? Why should I even be here? What do I do that's so important, that should keep me holding on? I'm not sure anymore, and that hurts so much. I feel so alone at this moment, and I have no clue what to do.

- Amby

Dear Posty,

I'm writing in here again. Which could only mean one thing, I'm depressed. Which is what it always means when I write in here, which is why no one cares anymore. It's like people expect me to get this way, I know my parents do, and my friends too. So I guess it's no big deal anymore, I may have some sort of a problem, in fact I'm pretty sure I do have one. It'd explain so much about me, including these extreme lows. I'm not sure exactly when they started, or how but they just come along every once in a while. So you'd be better off not reading the rest of this post... or this thread... really you would.

I feel so out of place lately. Here of all places, like I don't fit in. Everyone is so close to one another, and I just feel like I come in and mess that up. Like I don't belong here. Which scares me, for if I don't belong here where do I belong? I can't belong with people at school as I don't really fit in with them either. I'm not really sure what it means, or what I'm suppose to do about it. Does it mean just what it looks like, that I shouldn't be here. After all what difference would it make? I often feel like I'm just a person here, but not Amber. Not who I am, because no one really cares about who I am. I'm just someone to take up space. Another member.

So I'm thinking about leaving for a little while, maybe I'll prove myself wrong. Maybe I'll figure out that I do have a place here... or maybe I'll prove myself riight. Maybe I'll figure out that there is no place for me here. I'm not sure yet, I just know that I've never felt more out of place anywhere then I do right now. I mean maybe it's just cause I'm not close to anyone, who knows? Maybe that's my fault.. probably is. I just I think maybe that's what I need to do.

- Amby

Bad amby.

You bad, bad, bad amby!

How could you say you're just a member?

You're not!

You are the most amazing, charmed-freak, couple-freak (like me!), games-buddy, dormmate, and INSANE person in here there I know of! :D

Geez!

I thought you knew that already!

*tacklekisslehuggles amby* I know why you're depressed like this.

Remember when there weren't this many new people in the site, and you and I were kinda in the middle of the attention and we used to know everything that was going on here and actually be a part of the fun?

I think you still are a part of the fun, so don't give up!

I've been away for too much time - I'm the one who's being forgotten, you know? I don't know the names of half the newbies and there are too many inside jokes I miss.

Not you, dear Amberg93 :D

You'll never be ignored, never be left out. Not yet.

We're the oldies, now. Not the newbies. It kinda makes me sad, to think that everyone's making new friends and new groupies and we're being left out...

But you can't think that, or else, sure, you'll get depressed.

And you know, when you're depressed, dear Amby (I'm the one who gave you that nickname :D Amby amby amby amby amby amby amby amby), I'm depressed too.

So don't you dare depress me, DO YOU HEAR ME???

xD

Love you, Amby!

Please, don't go! I'll miss you, you most of many people, because you're one of my favourite people here. :D

Truely, honestly, sincerely.

Okay? ^^

Hey Amby...

Okay, I have to say that I don't really know you, I don't think I ever talked to you in the CB or anything, but I just read your journal and I think it's sad that you feel the way you do.

I would like to say that I understand the way you feel, that I know those feelings. In reality, I probably don't know the slightest thing about your life, your feelings, or anything about you. Still, some part of me says that I do understand. It might not be right, but I feel as if I do.
It seemed to me as if you feel unimportant to this site. I cannot judge whether that's true or not, but I do know that feeling. Concerning this site and concerning real life. You said that you might feel that way because you're not close to anybody, right? Once again, that's something I couldn't judge, but I have those thoughts, too. And I also say that it's probably my fault.

I never considered other people think like that, I never considered people here on the HE have such problems. In some way, it's interesting that I'm not the only one...while I'm still new around and shouldn't even feel like that, probably.

I hope that you'll feel better at some point, I really do hope that even if I don't know you. It just seems like you deserve to be happy, from what you wrote on here.

-Gemma

first things first, I should check this thing more often, and write happy things once in a while, as I feel like I'm depressing people *sigh*

Anyway thanks loads to the both of you *huggles loads*

I love you skully and I'm happy to be an oldbie with you, I think I just need to remember that as much as the site is changing that I still have people around here that were here at the beginning who I know better

And Gemma a double thanks to you, I'd really like to get to know you better sometime as it seems that you're a pretty good person to care about someone you don't know.

Wow it took me a while to find this thing XD. So a new term started last week, which means new classes, new lunches, new people. My current schedule looks like this:

1) Choir
2) Geometry
Lunch
3) Civics
4) Gym
5) English

Now that's a pretty cool schedule I suppose. Except Traci and I have zip classes together, none whatsoever! We don't even have the same lunch anymore. And it seems that all my group of friends basically (cept for Meghan, Veronica and Myself) are all in the same classes. I mean They are always talking and joking and I always feel so out of the loop anymore. Our lunch table is down to three people, Meghan, Clarissa (who I don't even like), and me. Also I suppose I should add Ryan, the sophomores who has recently walked up to our table and told us that he'd be sitting with us.

Civics is by far the most interesting, mostly because of the teacher. Mr. Hector is the best. Really he is, he yells a lot and swears in class xD. Really though he is always trying to make a point. We have a couple of girls in our class who are ... erm- I don't know how to describe them. But they always have an attitude about things and always have to argue, and mostly they make Mr. Hector focus on them. So he spend a good deal of the hour lecturing them, and then he said "Fine then, we can just do book work. Is that what you want?" And Logan and Ashley (the girls) Were all "yes!"

So the rest of us got out our assignments and I didn't want book work, I wanted to do something more. I wanted to discuss things, so I sighed and went "Oh bleh!" and Mr. Hector heard and he turns to me and starts yelling (not really yelling more like talking very loudly XD) "If you don't stand up for what you want then you deserve whatever it is that you have to do! Don't you dare let them decide for you what you are going to do! Don't let any social latter or any other of the B.S. (only he actually said the words XD). Get in the way of what you want! If you don't want to do it, don't sit back and let them have what they want!"

And I was so shocked I wasn't quite sure what to do, but all I remember next is that Logan said something about book work and I turned to her and went. "Not everyone wants what you want. We know what you want, let everyone else have a chance to say what they want." I felt so proud of myself at that moment, for that. I think I actually learned something important today.

Love from,
Amby

...I didn't even know you had one of these!

xD

Anyway, that sounds really harsh! I mean, I have hardly any classes with my friends but at least we get lunchtime and recess together.

Btw, Love you!!! Haven't had a nice chat with you in aggges.

AAAND. Your present from the secret santa you have no idea about is almost ready!

lol XD Nice Aliza, and I know we haven't gotten a proper talk in forever

Dear Posty,

Change is something I detest greatly, usually anyway. Because it means that things will all be different, one thing changing can change basically everything that you do. People rely on other people to keep their lives in an order. For instance, when Rai blocks me it screws everything up. Because I usually talk to him on a daily basis, and when I don't talk to him it's a change. Or when Traci doesn't talk to me, it messes everything up because I always talk to her.

The thing is though, this time it's not everyone else changing, it's me. It's not even that big of a change, but it's conflicting everything. I wanna be a different me, the one I am around Veronica, Alie, Sam, Billy, etc. The one who is happy and fun and not afraid to be loud or crazy or open. That's the me I like. I like being that me, it makes me happy. Really really happy.

But I can't manage to be that me around Traci, Carrie, Stephy, etc. The people I consider some of my best friends. And it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Because they are just so happy and open and loud and all the things I want to be, yet it's different with them then it is with Veronica and everyone else. It's like their openness and freedom and happiness is all in an immature way. Which probably doesn't make any sense either, but it's true.

They often remind me of a bunch of 6th graders having fun, not high schoolers. I don't get how to explain it better then that. I talked to Merranda and she understood about what I was trying to say. And I can be that person with Merranda and Taylor too. But I can't be it with my own sister. Traci is my sister, no matter how different we are, but I can't seem to be the person I want to be around them. I'm the person people expect me to be.

I am just so uberly confused it isn't funny. *headdesk*

Love from,
Amby

Dear Posty,

So life - weirdly enough - is going great :D Yes I know I see the shock on everyone smileys right about now XD But it's true. I for once have no problems that are majorly important and such. :D I'm just happy... happy happy happy XD I feel like dancing because I'm so happy.

Like yesterday at lunch I've got this friend Meghan and she has some problems right now, and she's told me what they are but she hasn't told her boyfriend Ryan. So Ryan got all sad then Meghan got sad, then to cheer them both up I did some hand dancing with "Don't Worry About a Thing." It didn't work (though Traci found it really funny :D) So I broke out "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and then they were happy (Traci... wasn't she hit me ).

So then in Intro to Physics (which is insultingly easy. I should have taken biology this year instead like I was offered to *headdesk for stupidity*) once we finished our assignment papers (which some people took FOREVER, I mean come on it's a five minute assignment tops, if you do more then one through ten like I accidentally did XD) I went and sat by them (cause they miraculously got sat next to each other while I'm sitting next to prep Hannah) and Meghan and I talked to each other with a very vagueness about what was wrong. So when we were leaving Ryan comes up to me and starts talking cause Meghan is already in front of us. This is how that conversation went:

Ryan: "It's about the guy in her past relationship."
Me: *dead seriously* "Who said it was a guy in her last relationship?"
Ryan: O.O
Meghan: *turns around* *was listening* "AMBER!"
Me: "I was just trying to help!"

:D I'm such a great friend XD I amaze me lol XD. Anyway I've got to be going to school.

huggles and love,

Amby

*huggles* I'm happy to hear life is going great! ^.^ - PARTYYYYYYYY in Amby's diary! *pops the champagne*

.. and I miss you, Ambyyy! Haven't talked to you in ages xD

I know Cris!!! I miss you too

We've got to talk more XD

Oh yeah Hit Me Babt One More Time!

You go amber! *wacks traci*

Yay Rai :D

and XD I guess I understand that Gemma... maybe well actually I don't XD And we should talk more and get to know each other then XD

lol XD

You have MSN *looks at little button* XD We could talk there XD

lol XD okies I'm on a lot so anytime is really good for me XD

Dear Posty,

I wish that I wasn't sitting here typing this. I want to be somewhere else right now, I want to be doing something. Anything that will take my mind away from this. Because really all I keep doing is glancing over at the letter that I wrote Holly. The one that I wrote the day after I found out and all I can do is cry. Cry and grieve and think about how unfair that it is. How unfair it is that things such as this have to happen... and that they happen to people that are so great. It doesn't make any sense to me.

And so much more then ever I wonder. I wonder so many things. I wonder what the world would be like without death... had Eve never taken the apple. How things would be better. Because I never realized how much death hurt, not really. I got that people were suppose to be sad, that it was suppose to hurt. But I've never experienced that hurt. And in so many ways it was unexpected. Because I thought that it wouldn't hurt so much, that I'd just feel sad for a day or two. That everything else was a just for show. That it was an over exaggeration, but it isn't. That feeling, that one that you can't describe for never being able to see someone again. And worse is that I look at it and there are things I can't remember. My brain is blocking back the memories, trying to help. And it makes me feel so guilty, because I want to remember. I want to remember what a great person Holly was, but I can't right now.

Even more then that I wonder about what will happen the next time something like this happens. How I'll react, how it will change things. Even further... will it be like this if I died any time soon? Would people grieve me and miss me? Or would they say it's sad but not worth noticing, not worth crying over or being sad? I don't know, because I never know how other's view me. But now, at this moment I'm thinking that I wouldn't get what Holly is getting, because I'm not in the same group as her. I don't mean so much to so many people. And I hate myself for thinking like that, for being thinking about myself when something like this happened. It makes me sick with myself, because I don't want to. I don't want to think.. I don't want to feel... I just don't want to.

It seems in so many ways that a lot of people don't understand. That people can't take the time out to comprehend the situation if they didn't know Holly. She deserves it. All people deserve it. Death happens all the time, but all to often we shrug our shoulders and don't think. Don't think about the person that someone just lost. Someone just lost a friend, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a cousin, a family member. And we've all been taught to not care. We should care, everyone should care so much more then they do.

I turned in my poetry project today, and my main poem... the biggest, the one that everyone can read from a distance, the one that isn't covered by a window, the one that we consider the best... is dedicated to Holly. It's about goodbyes, and how all to often we don't get them. I'm sure sooner or later I'll be able to say goodbye in a way that won't make me cry every time I think about events... or songs. But until then... I've just got to give a proper time to grieve.

Love and huggles (especially to my newest angel Holly),
Amby

Warning, this post talks strongly of religion. If you are offended, don't read.

A Matter of Faith

Dear Posty,

Faith. It's something that I've been struggling with for a while. Struggling to believe that God, Jesus, the Bible, all of it, is real. How can you not doubt? Doubt that maybe this is all one big joke, that maybe you might be devoting your life to nothing? That all the people who don't believe might be a step a head of you. It is human nature to doubt things, doubt existence even. I allowed myself to keep doubting, not searching for real answers, but just allowed myself to sit back and let life happen without doing anything. A 2nd chair Christian, pretending that I had it all together on the outside and lost completely on the inside.

Even on mission trips my faith was never completely sound. There would be times, I was at the highest high I could remember. I'd believe and feel great, but at the end of the day.. it all went back to scratch. Everything I accomplished in a day would be erased at the end of it. As if I hadn't made any progress at all, neither positive nor negative. Just allowed myself to sink into the second chair, my mind going one way and my heart another. Wanting so very badly to get my brain to do what I wanted it to, to believe like I wanted to deep down.

The feeling of being alone, is a very strong one. And without faith that God is with you, it is even worse. Feeling like you can't talk to anyone because your Christian friends might be ashamed of you, or call you out. Not wanting to go through that humiliation, the fear of being tossed aside for your doubts haunting you each time you tried to bring it up to anyone is extremely strong. You just feel cut off and alone... and the devil has you. He's got you right where he wants you, feeling alone and doubting in your God. Life feels awkward, and you're constantly afraid that you will deny your God all together eventually, you cling to every Biblical fact that you can, but the scientific one's cut you off. You have a fight with yourself, you're constantly fighting yourself.

But when you finally can't take it anymore... it's best to be around a Christian. Someone who can help you, and as hard as it is to believe, your Christian family isn't going allow you to fall on your face. They are going to comfort you, they are going to help you get the help that you've needed all along and are too ashamed to ask for. They will be patient, they will allow you to sit and cry as long as you need to, they'll listen and be completely non-judgmental, and finally, they will help you to get back up and see what you've been missing.

For me, the thing that helped me the most is the book of James in the Bible. It talks about faith, a lot. And two verses from the Bible have really stuck out for me from that book. Mostly because I've had similar thought processes.

The first is James 1:13 (NIV) "When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;"

I've been there, thought that maybe God was tempting me. That it was part of his plan for me to fall off, that it was what he wanted. For me to doubt in him and it was all just a temptation from him to go down the wide road. But God doesn't tempt, that is the devil's work.

The second is James 2:19 (NIV) "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder."

I also thought for a while, that just believing was enough. That if I believed in some part of my mind that God existed, things would be fine for me. But, without faith I am no better than the demons. If I don't try to help or follow God's word then it doesn't mean a single thing.

I know that my faith can't be fixed in a single few days, but if I keep up my walk along the narrow road and lean on my Christian friends then I should be able to be strong enough to stay with God, and keep my faith strong.

I encourage anyone who is having problems with their faith to ask for help, because it really is a big help. I also ask that maybe some of you could keep me in your prayers, because I know I'll need all the help I can get in this life.

Love and huggles,
Amber

Dear Posty,

I'm afraid I only come to you in times of sadness. In times when I feel so much that I can't keep it in anymore and lucky you, this is one of those times. You wouldn't know this cause I haven't talked about it but I've got a boyfriend now whose name is Ron (ignore the irony behind that if you will for the moment) and really he is this amazing guy, he's sweet and caring and funny and he makes me so happy. So where is the problem you might ask?

The problem is that I'm not any good at balancing things. I'm not good at putting everything where it belongs. So I've had a hard time, trying to place my friends and talking to them and rping all in this new order with Ron in the picture and I've pretty much failed. I've made my friends unhappy by not giving them the attention that they deserve and making them feel like they're loosing importance when I still do care about them the same as ever. I failed so much that I didn't even realize that I was making them unhappy. I didn't realize all the little things I've done to make my best friends in the whole world feel like they've lost importance. I haven't meant to do so, it wasn't my plan or my intention but it happened anyway.

I feel horrible, like I've let them down. I feel like they have a right to be mad and upset with me for constantly failing them. One of my friends is too nice to me, in the way that she won't let me feel bad for what I did. In the way that she isn't mad but sad. This makes me feel worse, like I haven't done anything to deserve her friendship but since I do have it it makes me feel extremely blessed. It makes me feel loved and cared about and happy, that she still wants to be my friend. Of course, extremely guilty but.. lucky.

The other friend, well she is mad at me. Mad enough not to talk to me. And even though I deserve it one hundred percent... I want her to still be my friend. I want her to still want to be my friend. And I'm terrified at the thought that she won't want to be anymore. I'm scared that I may lose one of the most important people in my life and it would break my heart if I did. I don't know how things are going to turn out and I just feel like sobbing until I can't anymore because somehow I feel like it'd help... but in the end I'd feel just as scared as ever.

Rai, today you said that my life was a soap opera situation and well... turns out it is. As always, I hate it when you're right.

- Amby

Dear Posty,

So, the relationship with Ron is a bust. It's done, over, the end. It's been over since Tuesday night and I can't say I didn't see it coming. We didn't talk as much as we should have we didn't try as much as we should have. He was having all these feelings so quickly and I... just wasn't. A month isn't enough time to fall in love with someone, but he seemed to think it was. He had all these plans for the future and was asking me questions like Florida or California and I wasn't sure that we were even going to be together long enough to worry about that stuff.

Plus, what kind of a question is that anyway? Florida or California? Do I prefer earthquakes and wild fires or hurricanes and bugs? Both are too warm and they don't have real winters and they aren't anywhere I'd want to spend my life. He thought I needed to answer such questions and I just, I couldn't. I wasn't ready for that and not so soon. His whole idea of being together for such a long time.. it didn't reach me. And I think that's where the problem began, the one day that he said I love you and I was like '... wtf do I say?' and for lack of being able to say anything I said absolutely nothing.

After that I think he just stopped trying. Every conversation I had to start, I had to come up with the topic of conversation and I had to keep it going. What else could I have done? I tried in the end, even if he says that I didn't try in the beginning which I disagree about. I liked him, I liked him and he liked me and that was the first time that had ever happened to me. Was I supposed to be some sort of expert on things? Was I just supposed to know exactly how to handle every situation? I know the answer to those questions is that I wasn't supposed to, but I wanted to. I wanted to know things and wanted to be able to get the right answers.

He always talked about how we needed to talk about problems when they came up, so I brought up a problem and he told me he didn't think it was going to work out anymore. It's amazing that once the words were said he seemed a bit different then the guy that I'd been dating. For instance, I brought up the fact that his best friend Weston once had a status on Facebook that said something along the lines of: "Had a great time last night. Met two amazing girls with my friend Ron." Because, in my eyes, that was a not so stuble way of pointing out that the two of them were basically going out and finding new girlfriends together. The response I got from that? "What Weston does is his own ****ing business, not yours." I'd mentioned once before we started dating that I didn't overly like swearing and from that point on he didn't do it but then he got upset with me over something I thought I had a right to comment on. Then again, there was the next comment after that that hurt pretty much too because he was pretty upset and said something about "Are you saying I can't go out with my friends? Just because I happen to have a life outside of the computer doesn't mean you need to get mad." I thought that was a pretty low blow, but I didn't say much about it to him. Heck, I haven't said much about that one to anyone.

He also brought up Marie of all people. We're like having a break up and he brings up Marie. Which made me be like '... really? Really? Are you really bringing up your dislike of my best friend right now?' And he did. He talked about how I could talk to her a whole lot more than I could talk to him, which I just thought was kind of crazy because of course I could talk to her a lot more. I've known Marie three years now and have been friends with her for two years, we've got stuff to talk about. Not to mention we run a RP site together and have characters that are involved together, which we talk about a lot so... I don't know, that's what made me pretty unhappy.

The conversation that night ended with him asking if we could still talk and be friends. I agreed to it because I thought it would be a good thing. Amazingly the next day he seemed to have a whole lot more to say and talked with me for a while, which I was kind of on the fence about but then I decided that it was just a part of being friends. The day after that he deleted me off of Facebook and I'm pretty sure blocked me on MSN. It makes no sense to me, none at all. If he wanted to be friends why would he suddenly change his mind? I didn't do anything to him. I wasn't even so much as rude to him. My Facebook statuses said nothing about the break up except one that said something like "Just because you see something coming doesn't make it any easier." Why would that be a bad thing?

I'm very muchly conflicted in emotions right now. I'm still kinda sad, because I do kinda miss him, I'm kind of upset that he would be a jerk to me in the end and I'm still very confused over it all. I guess things in life happen for a reason and so there had to be a reason behind the whole relationship. Maybe sometime I'll figure out what it was.

- Amby

And now, I just got on Facebook and there was a friend request from him again. I accepted... I dun know why, but I did. Doesn't make things any less confusing.

*huggles* Thanks Elana, but there was more and it just kinda hurts all over again. Cause adding him back I could see what was said afterward and it kinda is crappy.

I don't even think I could say how much it hurts with everything that was said. Like.. here I'm just going to show what I just saw. I kinda feel like he added me back just so that I could see it.

https://2img.net/h/oi46.tinypic.com/2z9a9s1.png

I haven't said one bad thing about him publicly, maybe with the exception of what I've said here and that just... it makes me kinda feel like crying. Especially because I cried myself to sleep the night that we broke up, so for him to say that I didn't care... it just kind of sucks.

Dear Posty,

Wow this place is depressing. All that ever goes in here is the negative. It's like I can't ever get out of it. Every time I look in here I feel like I must really be messed up because there's a whole crap load of signs that could show it. And so it amazes me that even though that's true, that I started this little thread of despair almost three years ago now that people still care enough to read it. That even though people know when they see a new post here that it's got to be something crappy, they still read it.

For as scared as I am of no one ever caring, more people care then I deserve. Heck, I have some of the most amazing friends in the entire world. For as many times as I've worried about no one missing me, I know that more people would miss me than I deserve because I haven't done so much as to be missed by my amazing friends. I think I've developed a new fear, a fear of not being there. This fear is one that I'll miss amazing moments in my friends' lives, that I won't be able to be there for them when they need me. Everyone knows that they've been here for me much more than they needed to be, much more than I've earned.

My family is messed up. There are plenty of examples in here of it. I don't mean messed up in the way that some of my other friends' families are but still messed up in their own right, even if it isn't so bad. There is so much fighting in my house, yelling and name calling. Threats to run away, to move out, to stop caring all together. Today Jasmine and Kameron threw stuff at each other in a fight, they've gotten into worse before. I'm constantly the lazy one, the one who does nothing to stop those fights, the one who just won't become anything because I waste my life away on the computer. It's not that bad, so I don't mean to whine. But I don't like it either.

You know, Marie and I talked about the other day how we've been friends for two years really but I was looking through here and I saw that she had commented back in 2007, that she'd told me the same kind of things she still tells me today. Before we were really that close of friends, she was telling me that I was an amazing person and that she'd miss me. I was that whiny, emotional, dramatic fourteen year old and she was telling me that she'd miss me. Lots of people were telling me that they'd miss me. That they'd miss that little fourteen year old whiny, emotional, dramatic girl. So many amazing people are here, so many simply incredible people are here and I am so amazingly thankful for this place.

I am so thankful that I found it. That things have worked out this way in my life because I have these two amazing friends, two friends who are more than friends, they're family. It's my family, the one that I got to pick. The one that's not messed up, but loving and caring and much too good for me. Somehow, they still want me. Somehow, I've still got lots of incredible friends that want me around. I'm lucky.

I thought about how I was so bummed to not get to be a foreign exchange student this year, like I had wanted so badly last year. If I had been, I wouldn't be going to Canada during spring break. If I had gone off to some random country for the experience, I'd have been missing the chance to go and meet up with my best friend for an entire week. Guess God just knows better what is good for me and I can't think of anything that would be better than that for me.

- Amby