It's all about me....

First topic message reminder :

I suppose I'll start out with a little introduction about myself....

My name is Pamela. I just turned 24 3 days ago. I was born in Little Rock, Arkansas. I lived in Indiana for the better part of the last 18 years of my life.

I work as a guest service agent and part-time night auditor at the Hilton Garden Inn in Chesterton. It's about 10 minutes from my apartment in Valpo. I moved to the area a little over 5 months ago. My roomate wanted to be closer to her family, and as I wanted an excuse to leave the town I was in for the first 5 years of my adult life, I followed. We were a couple at the time, but we broke up about 3 weeks ago. We're okay for the most part. We'd gotten a two bedroom apartment for craft storage and just in case. I'm getting used to it. We were together for about 20 mos, so it's a little rough.

My mother lives in New Zealand. She's an internet dating success story. She married my stepdad and moved there nearly 4 years ago. My sister is another such story. She lives in Alaska with her husband of nearly 2 years. My father lives about 2 hrs away from me, so he's the closest of my immediate family. I miss them all pretty regularly.

I love Harry Potter (clearly), theatre, knitting, and reading books of all kinds. I'm not much of a party person, although I do go out from time to time. I'm usually just content to stay at home with a nice book.

Anyway, that's pretty much the gist of me. Anything else, feel free to ask. I'll answer most likely, unless it's too inappropriate.

Just so you know, I think you are pretty. And I'm sure other people would gladly agree with me.

Oh wow. A tornado? We have a bunch of them down here. I dont think you made him mad, but from what i read, when you said that about the girls and he turned away, do you think he may have been talking about you? I think your pretty, from the pic i saw last night. I dont know, maybe he was just saying himself from arguing. And I dont like making peolpe mad either, but I do. So yall didnt get robbed? Why would yall get robbed?

I didn't think we were going to, but there was a guy just standing there, watching us. It always makes me nervous. The one time I was the victim in a robbery, the guy came by to see what the situation was. You know, see how many people were working...if I had someone there with me, that sort of stuff. They call it casing.

He said he wasn't mad. I don't think he was turning away because he thinks I'm pretty and was too shy or anything like that. He's got a girlfriend. Some cute blond with...well, large endowments, if you will.

I've never been through a tornado, but I keep getting closer and closer. I think I'm going to have that experience soon, and I don't really like that thought. I'm good in scary situations, though. I don't panic if things are really scary. Only when they're potentially scary, but when things are truly worrisome, I pull through.

Oh, and thank you Anthony.

They are not that scary. I havent been in one, but close to it. Hurricanes arent scarey either. Ive been threw 3 of them and one of the worst ones too. Umm... it started with an O. Cant think of it. I been threw Katrina, Ivan, and the O one. I'm pretty sure is was more, but those are the only ones I remember. Not scary. And large chest? Haha. Sounds like the typical guy. My mom is talking to my dad about e getting mine reduced because mine are larger then the average 14 year old and I would thank my dad if he can get the money for it. It makes my back hurt and really uneven sometimes. I cant stand peolpe who sit there and watch and stare its creepy.

your welcome. I meant it though you are and other ppl will see it more if you are confident. Sorry, my older sister is constantly giving my sister Margie that speech.


I actually like women that don't have hugh chests lol, I know, I'm not a normal guy

I'm good at feigning confidence.

Vi...I started developing at a young age. I didn't stop until I was 23! Mine aren't so large they cause me pain or anything, but they're difficult in that I have troubles finding shirts that fit me up there but aren't too large in the waist area. If I wear anything that doesn't hide them I get leering from guys and looks from women as if I should be ashamed of myself...almost as though I'm some sort of scarlet woman or something.

On a side note...I did something the other day that I regret. I usually don't believe in regrets, but I can't help it. I won't say exactly what it was. I just wanted to get half of this off my chest. I'm feeling pretty down on myself right now. I'm old enough to know better, and I do know better. That's what makes it so bad. I knew I was doing something wrong, but I didn't care. Well, I did care. I just disregarded the guilt I felt in the back of my mind. Now I'm left kicking myself.

I didnt start until i was 12 adn i skipped 2 sizes. How? i dont know. but i hope my dad can get the money. by this rate, if they stop when im 23. I'll be in an f? Is that even an size? its hard for me too find clothes too. urgh, now i wanna know what you done.

I'm curious now too

I just had a guest give--not loan--give me $100. As a gift. No stipulations or anything. I had mentioned in passing that I took a cab to and from work everyday and, of course, he asked why. The primary reason is that I can't afford to take the cab to do the extra errands to get a license. He set the bill down and, when I tried to protest, he said he was going to leave it; someone would take it and he hoped it was me. Then he offered me an altoid. A bloody peppermint candy! As though an altoid and $100 were both equally easy gifts to give. Okay, now I don't cry at work. Not in front of guests. It doesn't matter what they do, I just don't cry. I cried. I'm still crying right now as I type this. He said that it was a gift. I could spend it on anything I wanted--I could use it for a cab, for alcohol, to get my hair and nails done. I about died. I've been praying every night, wondering how I was going to make it until my next check. I was thinking thoughts that I don't seriously contemplate. Pretty much, I was at my lowest point by a longshot. Anyway, I don't think I've ever been so touched in my life.

I just spent about 2 hours talking to and flirting with a guest. I really can't believe that. It was funny too, because I'm shy. I don't make the first move unless I have waited forever for the other person to do so. Well, he had said he should be asleep now but he has "things" on his mind. He said he really did need to get his beauty sleep. I almost said something but caught myself. Then he said, "it was a joke. You're supposed to laugh." I told him that I had almost said something that would have embarrassed me. He asked what it was, and I kind of thought, well why not? So told him that he doesn't need much beauty sleep because he's already quite good-looking. Which he was. Very good looking. Anyway, he said that the feeling goes both ways. Naturally, I did a little internal tap-dance. I even ended up asking him out. Couldn't believe it. I'm hoping that he'll happen to peek out his door and say hi when I deliver his paper. Anyway, I'm off to deliver papers and receipts. Gotta unlock the pool, too. I'll keep you posted about cute park ranger guy.

OMG PAM'S GOTTA BOYFRIEND.lol *huggles* aww.Im happy for you! haha......wow. the feeling goes moth ways...how cheesey is that?? haha. I was over in my little chair laughing reading this.....not in a bad way though. Im a person who laughs about cute things like that! haha.....still not in a bad way. and your opening a pool at 5:30 in the morning or 4:30 or whatever time it is?? wow, how goes swimming that earlier!?!?! haha. well I open everything goes good with you and the guy......what was his name??

His name is Steve. And he's not my boyfriend. He is totally on to me, though. How could he possibly know that I actually blush on purpose? Seriously, no one has ever figured that out. That's one of my signature things. I don't embarass that easily. Although, I was truly a little embarassed to tell him that I thought he was attractive. He has got the most wonderful blue eyes. It was cute, though, because I was talking about having gone out the other day on a blind date with someone a co-worker of mine had gone out with. I had said that I was a little nervous about getting into a car with a complete stranger, but since she went out with him and is still among the living, I figured I'd be fine....unless he only went after girls with dark brown hair. Well, in reply, Steve asked if she had big brown eyes too. My mom always said my big brown puppy-dog eyes would get them. I guess she was right. Anyway, I'll pop into Count to 1000, and we can actually talk about this. I don't want to get into trouble for using this for a chat purpose.

ok...oh i know he isnt you bf...but i had to say it lol.......you have brown eyes.....wow.....so does my dad but his out yucky.

I've kinda had a rough day. Nikki came and got the rest of her stuff. On the one hand, I'm glad it's finally done. On the other, I feel so sad. It's officially over. I mean, it was months ago really. This just makes it feel so much more real. I had taken a room at the hotel today, but I went back to help her out. It wasn't like she really needed my help. She had her dad and he had some friends come by to help. Well, afterward I just couldn't stay in there. It was just too upsetting. I managed to stay under control until they left, though. I kept a smile on my face, laughed and joked with them. After she drove away in the u-haul (how cliche is that?) I lost it. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I don't know if I'll ever get over her. I need to, though. That's why I've been trying to go out when I can. Maybe if I have fun as a single person, I'll see that I am not really missing anything. I don't know.

Steve, the exceptionally cute park ranger is back from work. He said he's really tired, so I don't know if he'll stop by again or not. I sure hope so. I think it would make me feel a little better to do some flirting and be made to feel pretty and like I'm someone worth knowing. I just wish we could hang out together outside of work. I'd like the chance to have a good time with him. I don't forsee it happening, though. About the only way it will happen is if he manages to get an unexpected day off. I bet he gives good hugs. Is it silly that I just want to hug him? Well, maybe a little kiss, too. I want the hug a little more. Anyway, I should go ahead and finish up stocking the pantry. Enough of my rambling for now. Ta.

*edit*
Well, my theory was proven true. He does give really good hugs. Not a bad kisser either.

Okay. You ready for this?

The same day that I got the $100 gift from the guest, I got a call from a friend of a friend who works at a nearby hotel. Well, she had a guest who was looking for someone to go have drinks with. You know, just have a good time, that sort of thing. I agreed to it only because a co-worker of mine had gone out with him and, well, she's still among the living. So, I went out, had a couple drinks, talked for a bit, etc. I had a great time. I was totally into him. He fit pretty much every key characteristic I like in someone.....except one. As it turns out, he's married. Yep. What was I thinking? I'm so glad that we just shook hands. I can't imagine how guilty I'd feel if I'd kissed him goodnight or something. I don't know which I feel more, amusement or anger. Anyway.....

I've had a feeling that Steve, the aforementioned cute park ranger, is also married. I'm starting to trust that feeling. I don't know, though. If that's the case, I'm really gonna kick my own rear. Yeah. Most of ya can read to some degree what went on, and two of you know the full(ish) story. Yep. I sure know how ta pick 'em. I'm never, ever going on a date again. Never, never, ever. And I'm definitely never risking my bloody job for a kiss from a man who may be cute, but may also be married. Those rings come off so easily.

Hmmm......is he secretive?? If so, that maybe a sign that he is married. Dont ask how I know......because I dont. But yeah...I watch tv...and curse you with this last thing posty thing below



in accordance with prophesy

The funny thing about Steve is that he is not secretive at all. He's very straight forward and says that honesty is important to him. I think what I'm going to do is mention the situation that had occured. I'll watch his reactions so I can gauge whether I think he is guilty or not. I hope I'm just being cynical because of what happened with Chris. I'm not sure what I'll do if he asks me out when he inevitably comes back. I don't want the girl who set us up to know because she'll confront him. I also don't want her to think I'm a jerk who just goes out with guys once and then blows them off for no clear reason. Grr. This is quite frustrating. I can't help but me amused by it at the same time. How weird is that?

It's official. I'm in love. I met someone last night and fell in love at first sight. Although, it technically wasn't my first time seeing him. I'm speaking of Doctor Who. I watched an episode for the first time last night. "The Girl in the Fireplace". It was excellent. I was worried at first because I thought the creepy wooden dummy looking guy was a frequent occurance, which was kind of true, but my understanding is they don't always look like that. That is a good thing, as I'm shocked I didn't have nightmares from them last night. Seriously. I was riveted, though. A bit confused at first, but they explained things in the end, so I think my confusion was not from having never seen the show. I now understand my stepdad's old email. It was tardis something or other. There were numbers after it. I always wondered what that was about.

Anyway, my park ranger checked out this morning. It's a good thing too. I'd already done something stupid and was afraid I would do something else I might regret or that could get me into trouble. I was a bit disappointed, though. He was supposed to be here three more days, and I really liked talking to him. But, as I implied, he brought out a side in me I didn't quite like seeing. I guess I could have done without make-up today, though. I had thought about it, but I didn't want him to see me looking unattractive. A bit more of the side of me I don't like seeing.

I have Gryffie nails. I did them in deep red and then added gold to the tips. I made some nicer ones for when I get some nail glue. I used a kit Nikki left behind for tips. I filed down the ends so they would match up with the cuticles, then I painted them in the same deep red and then applied the gold at an angle from the middle of one side to the tip of the other. They'll look fabulous when I have them on. They almost look like I bought them; I'm fairly impressed with them.

I had a realization the other day. I don't have the level of understanding and knowlege about HP that I thought I did. See, I have this tattoo on my lower back. It is a tribal style bat holding the deathly hallows symbol. It was intended as a memorial tattoo for Snape. When I used to explain the nature of it to people they would always get a bit confused. I never understood why. Well, I was saying it was because he had learned to be an animagus and his form was a bat. When I was re-reading DH, though, I figured out that I was the idiot. He's not an animagus, he was flying and looked, as usual, bat-like. So the tattoo still makes sense, just not in the way I had always explained it. I still can't believe my airheadedness.

I guess all that matters is that it still makes sense, though. It's still a bit odd, even to me, to have a memorial tattoo for a fictional character. I had been wanting an HP-related tattoo, and this one seemed appropriate because only die-hard fans would recognize it for what it is. It's not like I got a lightning bolt on my forehead or the Dark Mark on my left arm. I had, in the past, considered the latter. If for some reason, I have lose my love for the series, at least it's a cool looking tattoo.

Well, time for me to get started on audit. Ta.

The other day, I sent an email to my mother. After Holly passed away, it got me thinking. If something happened to me, no one would know. I would hate to just disappear and have everyone think I just stopped coming without telling anyone. So I asked her to send a message to Elfie (it seemed the easiest way to go, as hers would be an easy name to find on here). Well, I think she got the wrong idea, because she replied with an email that simply asked, "Are you okay?"

That kind of opened a can of worms. I've not been okay lately. In fact I've been quite the opposite. If you thought my last post in my diary was long, it was nothing compared to the email I sent her. I told her everything that's going on with me, including something I haven't revealed to anyone but one person. I knew this particular "friend" wouldn't be overly concerned. She doesn't really care much about me, she just wants to tell me about her problems.

Since I've felt like I've had no one to talk to, I just kind of dumped it all on my mom. I didn't mean to. All I meant to do was tell her that, no I wasn't okay, but I'm getting by. Then I started to give her an idea of what's going on. Once I started, it all just came out. I couldn't stop. I kind of wish I hadn't told her everything. I'm such a private person, and I don't want her to worry about me or, worse, judge me. She hasn't replied yet, which worries me even more. What if I upset her or made her angry with me?

I know there are people on here who would say I could talk to them. It's just, it takes me a while to feel close enough to people to willingly disclose personal stuff. Again, I don't want to be judged. I don't really think anyone on here would judge me, but I don't know that. I'm getting there, though. Anyway, I need to get stuff ready for my end of shift. I've got a lot to take care of, particularly getting the two credit cards I forgot to return into envelopes. I'm really annoyed with myself over that. I'll be back tomorrow.

Aww Pam. You make me feel bad...and I dont know why. I guess its cause I dont know you like I thought I did. I feel like a bad friend. I hope everything gets better in your life.

I promise, you're not a bad friend. I am good at faking. It's especially easy online because no one can see my face or hear my tone of voice. Really only a couple of people realize that I'm not as happy as I pretend to be, and I really don't think they realize the level of it all.

I've been doing a lot of stupid things lately, the very least of which is not bothering to figure out where I am going to live after my lease is up. I'm just finding it hard to care. Honestly, if I didn't have any responsibilities to people other than myself, I probably wouldn't bother going to work or anything. I just seem to have lost all ability to care about myself or what happens to me. I only eat because I know I have to for survival. I only bother with taking care of myself because I know my job would be at risk. I only bother about my job because I have bills under other people's names, and I don't want to cause problems for them.

I'm just so bloody lonely. I have no friends anywhere except on this site. I have aquaintences, but no one I can really count on. I don't feel like there's anyone who truly cares about me. Ever since Nikki left, I've been on a downhill slope. It's been 7 months now. We were only together for two years. I should have moved on by now. Instead, I still find myself crying over her so often. Never before have I ever been so hurt about something that I cried like I do now. When I saw people sobbing in movies and whatnot, I always thought it seemed a bit fake. I'd never known pain so intense that I sobbed. I would shed tears. I'd even have a good cry, but you would never be able to tell unless you were actually looking at me. Now I'd be amazed if my neighbors didn't know.

Anyway, I really have to finish stuff up. I'll be back on in a bit, I'm sure. I'll have to wait on my cab, so I'll have a bit of spare time.

I'm very glad I told my mom everything. It lifted a huge weight off, and I was only left with the worry that she would be upset with me. She replied, and now I feel so much better. As I mentioned before, I disclosed one thing about myself that I avoid disclosing (that's an understatement, of course). Well, as it turns out, we have that trait in common. I won't mention specifics because that would be disclosing private information about my mother. I do feel a bit better now, though.

I just wish I could get to a doctor soon. I used to be on anti-depressants, but I haven't been able to get on them. Now I'm in a much worse state than I was, so I think they're even more important to have. I hate the thought of depending on medication, but I don't know if I can work through this on my own. This is more than just a "bad things happening" kind of sad. I should be able to deal with this. Clearly there's something wrong beyond just the normal sadness.

Remember Gray? My Charlie Weasley look-alike. Well, he's back. Yep. I don't remember if I mentioned this or not. You see, it's the oddest thing. I swear he is capable of apparition. No kidding. He appears out of nowhere. It's rather annoying, because he catches me completely off guard. I am usually quite capable of playing it cool when I like someone. I don't get nervous or flustered. I flirt effortlessly. There was one time he came down. I was facing the only direction he could have come from. I did not see him coming, though. Next thing I know, he's standing on my other side. So, he walked toward me and around me, yet I still never saw him until we were face to face and quite close. I blushed a bit, but I don't think he noticed.

Well, earlier I was doing our nightly goodbye calls (we call guests who will be checking out in the morning to see how everything's been). I was there, just waiting for the guest or voicemail to pick up. I didn't hear the elevator, and I didn't hear anyone coming. All of a sudden he was just there. I don't startle easily. I just want to say that. If I do get startled, I can usually play it off. In this case, I dropped the phone and lost my ability to speak. Amy, who has seen my usual reactions to his presence, looked at me and smiled significantly. I, in turn, glared at her (jokingly of course), before beginning to mutter under my breath about his ability to catch me off guard and how they should warn me when he's here. Meanwhile, Robin, the woman who works nights in laundry, doesn't know who he is, so she thinks I'm upset or angry about something. So, she's trying to find out what's wrong and therefore drawing attention to my reaction.

There's no way he didn't notice. The one good thing I could say about it is his grin was just as big as mine, and he turned just as red as I did. I have got to find a way to go out with him. You know what would be really bad, though? If he turned out to be a huge Harry Potter fan, and joined this site. I mean, that would be great, of course, but he could read this. Then I'd be really embarrassed. It would be funny, too, though. Maybe I should just tell him. We could keep it hush-hush. But if he turns me in, I could lose my job. Of course, he could turn me in for the unconscious flirting I do. I'm terrible about it. I don't realize I've flirted until I've done it. Anyway....

What about the other dude? I might didnt read about that. I havent read much lately. And that funny. I have that happen to me to

Meh. He's gone. See, he was just an attraction. Gray, however...I can't quite describe it. It's more than an attraction with him. There's this strange feeling I have, like there should be something more between us than just guest and clerk. More, even, than just flirting. It's almost like...I don't know, like I've always known him, but we hadn't seen one another in years, and we were supposed to meet up again years later. I don't know. Go back to page ten. There's one or two entries there regarding him.

Oh, and by the way, in case anyone's curious, he looks very much like this guy:

http://z.about.com/d/countrymusic/1/0/c/h/4/dierksbentleyh35.jpg

slightly less curly hair, and no facial hair, and it's redder. Well, like a Weasley.

I'm going for it. Amy, my co-worker, and I are going to work out a plan. Firstly, she's going to find out (subtly of course) if he's single. Then, we're going to talk to my front desk manager, and make sure she knows just how extreme my crush (or whatever you'd call it) is. The hard part is finding a way to make him aware that I'm interested and single. I really think he likes me back, so it's just a matter of getting him out of his shyness or whatever it is that stops him talking to me. I've never had a guy do something like this to me. It's very difficult to become accustomed to. I really, really like him.

Any thoughts on how I can subtly make him aware of my feelings and get him to ask me out? I want to be the girl, darn it. I want him to ask me out. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being the one who makes the first move.

I want a graphics set. I don't have a program with which to make one, though. *pouts*

Don't know why it took me so long to figure this out. I searched him on myspace. He has a page, but hasn't been on in over a year. He's 28. A lot younger than everyone else thought, but about the age I had always thought. There's nothing else on the page that I didn't already know. I'm thinking about setting up a new page. Mine is just a bit to....controversial. I could request an add. I don't know if I should bother with that, though. Maybe that would be taking it too far.

Amy and I came up with an idea. We put together a goodie basket. We're allowed, and even encouraged, to do that sort of thing. He has a do not disturb sign so I can't knock on his door. Instead, I slipped a note under it informing him that we have something at the desk for him. I asked him to either call or come down. He hasn't yet, so I probably won't get to be the one who gives it to him. It is my signature on the card, though. I wrote it in such a way that it was semi-flirty, but not quite. If he thinks about it, he may wonder whether I meant more than first appearances would suggest.

He has a new car. He used to drive an old-ish green station wagon. Now he drives a white dodge charger. Much better. I wonder if he'd be creeped out that I took the time to look for his car. I knew he was in his room, likely asleep, but hadn't seen his car. That confused me, so I checked his registration card and it showed a different vehicle. Then I saw it in the lot. He'd probably be creeped out. I don't know. I don't think he likes me, though.

Yeah maybe and did you know more the 50% of guys want girls to make the first move anyway? but what do i know...im only 14. lol. i hope everything works out!

I hope so too. I think he would probably be disturbed if he knew that I tried so hard to know things about him. Or how much and often I think of him.

or he could think its sweet that someone likes him. i know my cus does when my other cus, the are not related at all, only relatd to me, thinks about him alot.

Yes, I am excited enough to merit a double-squee. Okay, so a few hours ago, he called down to the desk. He said thank you for the goodie bag. All my guesses were pretty much correct. I didn't know what type of soda he liked, but I thought he seemed like the root beer or dr. pepper kind of guy. I was correct. He said that both work (I gave him a bottle of each). So yeah, we talked a bit. He seldom calls me Pam anymore. Now it's hon, dear, honey, etc, instead. *sigh* I looked online for him to see if the new Batman movie was in theaters yet. Then he told me he'd be getting a package and would like someone to call him when it gets here because he'll be leaving immediately afterward. That's not the good part. That's the sad part. What he said next is the good part....

He's moving to the area! Yay!! I told Amy, my co-worker/romance coach this little happy tidbit. She said that I should call him and offer to help him look for a house. He said he would probably hold me to that. He said he didn't know many people except the ones from work, and they aren't very interesting. Hmm...doesn't that imply that he thinks I'm interesting? Anyway, he said he wouldn't be moving 'til October..."right around our birthdays". He remembered that we're both Scorpios. How sweet is that? So I asked if he had an email address. Initially he said he'd call me because it's not until October. Then he counted how many months that was, and when it occurred just how close it is, that was when he said a rather dirty word. Then he asked for my email. So, yeah, he wants to get ahold of me outside of the professional arena. It's working well. He's moving here completely alone. Woo hoo!!!!!

Go Pammers go Pammers. Hehe

Oh, it gets better....

He asked me out! See, I went ahead and took a room last night for convenience sake. I got the one next door to him. Sure, it probably wasn't appropriate, but I played it off like it was an accident. Well anyway, I got up early so I could hear him leave. I had resolved to tell him I like him. I thought maybe I'd be less nervous around him if I could just be straight-forward.

Anyway, we walked together toward the elevator. When we got there, he kept going. I figured out why I never hear the elevator when he comes down. He takes the stairs. I don't know why I thought otherwise. He never takes them, though, because he's afraid of them. "Laugh all you want," he said. Of course, I wouldn't. I'm afraid of them a bit too. But, I'm also lazy and out of shape.

So, we were just standing there with me trying to say what was on my mind. Each time I began, though, I chickened out and went off on some other tangent. Suddenly, he said he was going down for breakfast. He asked if I wanted to join him. Naturally, I couldn't, but I didn't want to tell him why. See, we can talk outside of work, so long as we're discreet. Anyway, I told him I couldn't because I didn't have any cash; he reminded me that he has coupons for free breakfast (he's a VIP member at the top level) and that he has extras, because he misses breakfast a lot. I told him that I couldn't really get away with that, but that I would have loved to. To that he said, "well maybe next time I'm in town."

After I sat a bit, and thought about it, though, I thought maybe he knew what I was trying to say. I thought he must have believed that was the only way to get away from me. Well, he had a package that he was waiting on. He had to leave, though, and couldn't wait on it any longer. My co-worker, Regina, told him we would ship it to him in Canada. I was in the back, although he didn't know it, when she was talking to him about everything. She got his contact info and mailing address. She also got the go-ahead to charge the postage to the credit card on file. It didn't come while she was there, so she left me in charge of it. Naturally. She had teased that I could just hand-deliver it to him. Yeah. Anyway....

I was talking to my other co-work, Ruthie, about him. Pretty much telling her everything I've said here. That was when the phone began ringing. I answered it in a perfectly natural manner, even though I just knew it was him. I was correct of course. As always, when he said my name I knew who it was. I did my usual greeting and he said "Hi Pam. [fairly long pause] It's Gray" Ready to know what I said? "Oh, um, w-what's up?" What's up? Did I seriously say that? Then he said, "I was hoping I would talk to you." And my pathetic reply was "Oh! [gulp] Okay." Meanwhile, I'm turning beet red yet again. Well, the "reason" he called was to ask me the same questions and give the same info he'd asked and given Regina. Either he's a bit dumb, a worrier, or he just wanted an excuse to talk to me. I'm hoping it's the latter. Okay so to the point. I told him we'd be happy to send the package out to him, and he said, "well, if you can do that, then I'll definitely have to take you out to dinner." This time, I wasn't pathetic. Yay! I said, "well I might have to take you up on that." No stuttering or anything. Harumph. Then I began stuttering again.

Here's the best part....Eileen, the most by-the-books of the three managers said she thought it would be fine. Woo hoo! That means....drumroll please...I'm going to have a date with Gray!!! Gosh I hope he doesn't turn out to be a jerk.

Go pammers! Can you beleive i actully read all of this!?!?!?!?! Why i did. haha, Im so happy for you

Yeah, I can't believe you read all of it, Vi. That was long and rambly. I'm usually short, sweet, and to the point.

Im just that nice. haha, yeah i read it all.

I read you may leave us for a while, that is very sad

My attendance will definitely decrease around here. I'm limiting myself to doing a diary post here and there, completing classes/challenges/exams from time to time, and keeping up with my responsibilities: quidditch, prefect duties (which really aren't all that inclusive), etc. Hopefully, soon I will have a roommate, which will decrease my expenses. Then maybe I can get my own computer with internet. That may be dangerous, though.

Speaking of added expenses, I may be getting some new family members. One of the guys who works in the kitchen, Dave, is unable to keep his two ferrets due to his lifestyle. He's going to sell them, along with all his stuff for $200. It's actually quite a deal. They're both female, by the names of Loci and Melinda. He says they don't know their names, so I may change Melinda's. Probably to Bandi. Short for Bandit because she's one of the ones that has a mask. I feel bad, though, because he doesn't really want to get rid of them.

I took a temporary leave of my senses yesterday. However, it paid off. I cut my own hair. If you go to my myspace page under my profile, you'll see what it looked like before. I just cut it in the back, so it wasn't all flippy and mullet-like. Now it looks a lot like this: http://www.nicksflickpicks.com/zellweg.jpg Not quite as long, and it is a bit less neat, but it's very similar. I'm really loving it. Nikki's going to flip when she finds out that I resorted to doing it myself. Ha ha.

No word yet from Gray. I met another guy last Saturday. I'm hoping to get a call from him this weekend; maybe we'll be able to go out. Now that I am getting used to not having Nikki around, I'm really starting to enjoy being single. I really hope that I hadn't simply misunderstood Gray when I thought he'd asked me out. Maybe he was just being friendly. Or, then, maybe he just hasn't called me yet simply because he's busy. Novel concept.

Meh. That's pretty much it. Later all. *smooches*

I am worried I may have scared Gray off. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, though. I called him just say hi and to ask him what he actually meant when he mentioned taking me out to dinner. He didn't answer, so I left a voicemail. Then I got all worried about it because he never actually asked me to call him, so I called and left another voicemail a couple days later to apologize for my potentially inappropriate behaviour. My co-worker, Maria has talked to him before. She said he travels a lot. I thought he just travelled here, but I really should have known better. You don't get to be a Diamond member by only staying at a Hilton brand hotel 50 times in a year. I think it's more like 70. So mostly I think I'm being paranoid, although he'll definitely know that now. It would make it a bit easier if he would call me back. Then I wouldn't worry so much. In fact, his not calling me is actually what makes me worry so much. I'm sure he thinks I'm some freak who's half stalking him.

Then, what if I didn't scare him off? What if we go out and really hit it off. We might start dating. What if I fall in love with him? I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of--us working out or falling in love and breaking up. What if he represents the beginning of my growing up? Maybe I'm not ready to grow up. Or worse, what if I am ready to grow up? What if I stop liking the things I do now? I don't want to give up on my silly kids books like the Pendragon series. What if we get so busy with being adults that I forget about reading, and my plans for a novel. I don't know if I want to live an ordinary life. That's not it. I don't know if an ordinary life is the best thing for me.

Then there's the possibility that we'll hit it off and a year or so from now are together, in love, blah blah blah. We might break up. I went through hell when Nikki and I didn't work out. I'm still to some degree going through hell. Well, not so much hell as a nightmare. That's what it is--a nightmare.

What if I think I'm just ready to move on, but I find out that I'm not. What if I hurt him. I've broken too many hearts in my life, and I don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I think that's all I'm capable of in life. I hurt Nikki so much through our relationship; she hurt me too, though. It just wasn't right.

Anyway, I'm rambling because I'm tired. Please don't think I'm too crazy. Toodles.

Okay, now that everyone knows just how neurotic I am....I've decided to let things run their course. I'm not going to worry about him because first of all, if he's not going to call me back when I'm expressing obvious concern regarding my behaviour, he's probably not worth my time. Secondly, I may have found someone better.

I met this guy on Myspace. I can't believe it, though, because I'm not the type to meet people online. Until I discovered H.E. I didn't even spend much time online at all. Not only that, but his first two messages to me were lame. I figured he was some creepy guy. Well, for the fun of it, I decided to check his page out, because he had a picture of Animal from The Muppets as his avatar (or whatever it's called on Myspace). Long story short, we ended up meeting. I want to state that we met in a public place with lots of people during daylight hours, and I made sure people knew where I was going and why. That's something I would strongly recommend to anyone who may feel compelled to meet someone from the internet.

Anyway, we hit it off amazingly well. We have since been on another date, and talked quite a bit on the phone and online. He's 33, which is a bit odd for me; it's a nine year difference. His name is Justin and he works as a cell phone tower tech. He often does minor travelling for work and usually doesn't know about jobs until the night before or day off, which may eventually be a cause for frustration, but for now it's fine of course. Wow, that was a poorly constructed sentence.

He's tall, muscular, and has blond hair/blue-grey eyes. He is very active: Rides a bike or walks nearly everywhere unless it's for work, goes hiking, loves to swim, etc. He plays the drums and has a truly beautiful voice. I've always had a thing for drummers, but have never dated one...only guitarists. He loves theatre; he even liked Our Town, which almost no one seems to like. So basically he'll come to my plays and be able to enjoy them, instead of coming just because he's obligated. He's also very intelligent and knowlegeable. I actually struggle to keep up with him sometimes, like when he asked if I "recreate substantially".

Tonight, he's coming over to watch Doctor Who (how awesome is that?! He's a geek too!!) with me and I'm going to cook some dinner. Although, I have no idea which meal I'm going to do, because I don't really know what he likes. I know he likes pizza and cantaloupe and that's it. Not much help, because I am so not ordering in. I'm too good a cook to do that. Ha ha. Maybe I'll just go simple and do spaghetti; most people like that.

So to recap, he's a gorgeous, geeky musician with a love of information, a large vocabulary, and the ability to speak proper English. He likes Doctor Who almost as much as I do and he doesn't think I'm unhealthy just because I don't overeat (what is it with Americans thinking healthy people are too skinny?). I think he's the one. Ha ha. The only thing wrong with him? He likes Barbara Streisand. *shudders*

Quote :

It just registered that I have conformed. It has become automatic to me to refer to soft drinks as pop. I used to insist on calling them soda. I don't even think about it anymore. I changed to better fit in to the area. Next thing you know I'll be listening to hip hop, wearing make-up, and keeping my nails done.

I was just going through old posts for the fun of it. A few things amused me, particularly this bit. I now keep my nails done (although still not professionally) and wear make-up almost every time I walk out the door...Mary Kay make-up no less. I guess my non-conformist days are over. Phooey.

Ooooh, the guy sounds nice - good luck on your date, Pammie! - Hope you're gonna tell us it was awesome the next time you post in here! *g*

And do cook spaghetti! :D

Well, I guess there was a misunderstanding. He thought the plans weren't definite, but more of a general "hey we should do this" sort of thing. But, he came over today and we got to hang out for a bit. I'll be going with tilapia, though. That's his top choice.

I forgot to mention the most important bit. He looks like a certain actor you all should be very familiar with, but one whom I've never been the least attracted to. In fact, I always found him rather unattractive. Well, here's a link to a picture of this particular actor, although he may be a bit difficult to recognize for some. I'd never have recognized him, that's for certain. http://handson.provocateuse.com/images/photos/david_thewlis_01.jpg

Yes, everyone, I'm seeing a young Professor Lupin. I didn't realize how good looking David Thewlis actually was. He's not very attractive as Lupin. I just can't get over it, though. When I told him, I was a bit worried he'd look up a photo, see Lupin, and be a bit insulted.

He's so sweet, though. He was a little afraid I would lose any desire to see him when I learned more about him. He has a history that could seem bad if I didn't hear his side of it. We discussed it today, though. I think he was surprised to find that I was so okay with it. He's really seeming like a truly great guy. I think this may be something. The only thing that frightens me is the fact that I'm not scared.

I thought for a bit that I had frightened him away. I was wrong; he's far more laid back than I'd given him credit for. See, we've not been talking long, but I already have alarmingly strong emotions involved. I'm not saying I'm in love or falling in love. I just feel an extremely strong connection, and just a level of safety that I'm not accustomed to, especially this quickly. Well, when I let him know, I was sure he was going to split. He promised he'd call this morning (well, yesterday technically) and about 11 a.m., I gave up on him. I was going to take a nap and about 5 minutes after I lay down, he called to let me know he was right outside my door. We talked for quite some time, and it was great.

Well, my cab should be here any minute. I'm going to go ahead and sign off for now. Toodles.

How are you and new guy doing now? :D

We are doing wonderfully. Things are moving along quite well, and I'm very happy with the current pace. I'm nervous, though. Soon he may be doing a two month job in St. Louis. He'll only be back on weekends. *pouts* Ah well, you know what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What'd he be doing in St.Louis? I was born and raised there. I'm currently out of town, and will be all summer but my sister is living there. It's a nice place to live. I'm glad you two are doing so well.

He works as a cell-tower technician. Currently, his boss is in the process of putting in a bid on a job. If they get it, they'll be building a tower out there somewhere. If it happens, that will mean a lot of money for him, which I'm sure will be great...especially since he has two kids to worry about from a previous marriage.

A regular guest came up to Amy today. He asked her if I did drugs. Those of you that know me, will know that I am very much against doing drugs. She told him I didn't and he pursued the issue by asking if she really knew me well enough to know for sure. She told him that she's my friend, and she knows me quite well. His reason for believing this is because the other day I was shaking rather badly. The worst part is he knows that I have a problem with tremors. It really, really hurt me. I don't even want to see him any more, but I have to see him everyday through the week for the rest of the summer. Lovely.

Justin just stopped returning my calls and emails. I don't know what happened there. One day he called me, and was saying he missed my beautiful smile, then that was the last I heard from him. Clearly there must be something wrong with me. It keeps happening over and over. Someone shows an interest, then they just stop speaking to me out of the blue. Maybe I am a bad person, or maybe I'm just boring. I don't know.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I know I'm not usually this way. Things have just been very bad lately. My mother is suicidal, people think I'm on drugs, I'm close to getting evicted from my apartment because I have no money, and I have no friends. I just don't feel like I have anyone here who cares about me, and I have no one to talk to. If it's against some rule to be this negative here, go ahead and delete it. This is just the only place I have to let it out.

Okay. You guys know me fairly well. There's one or two things about myself I've opted not to reveal, but those are things I typically reveal to no one. Anyway, I'm sure you've all figured out that I can exhibit an alarming amount of patience. However, even I have my limits.

We had a guest today who just could not follow simple directions. He kept crossing over the one road he needed over and over. It was getting ridiculous. To put it simply...no one has troubles finding their way from where he was. Except him. Eventually, he said, "is there a man in the house?" I repeated his question with a fair bit of incredulity. He said, "yes a man. Men are better at directions." I just couldn't stop myself. Before I could even really think about what was about to come out of my mouth, I had said, "clearly." Now, admittedly, the woman in me is saying "way to go." As a guest service agent I'm very annoyed with myself. I just hope it doesn't get me into trouble. If no problems arise, I will be quite proud of myself for refusing to be insulted. I shouldn't have gotten snarky, though....even if it was really good.

Oh and, Justin called. I just have to get used to this. I know he's hardly ever able to call or email. I just can't seem to get the hang of that. Anyway, off to take a breather.